“People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.” — Robin Williams

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 9: Republicans are in New Year’s Eve mode, dancing in the streets, waving red hats, the remodeling of the West Wing begins. A cannonade begins outside Trump Tower; Isis is suspected. Rudy Giuliani is in the streets with a megaphone.

Democrats are stunned. They’re convinced that the remaking of America into the next sequel of “Planet of the Apes” has begun.

We wasted 13 months watching the networks and political cable channels, didn’t we? And then went to sleep with Trump’s orange hair and Hillary’s collection of pants suits burned into our dreams.

THURSDAY, NOV. 10: Now it’s over, or is it? There will be at least a year of follow-ups, recriminations, political autopsies. There seems to be no escape from 24/7 torture. FOX and CNN are locked into a permanent state of chortle.

Is there light at the end of this electoral waterboarding? Yes. I’ve found the light. Follow me. All you have to do is make a plan. Check the television schedule in this paper. Here is mine. It will take some work, but I promise you, it works.

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This is for all of you, both coast elites and the faceless deplorables, those family basement millennials and working seniors who, due to having lost all three of their part-time jobs, are faced with 24 hours of something else, anything else. Here is the schedule for survival.

Click: The French show on channel 2. Full disclosure, I didn’t know there was a French channel. I didn’t even know there was a channel 2. Who goes down that low? They’re all very pretty and handsome, charming. I’m guessing they’re charming. I don’t understand French and have no idea what they’re talking about. They seem to be playing charades or a French version of “Jeopardy.” Can’t tell.

Click: What’s this? The QVC shopping channel. I’ve never watched QVC. It looks like fun.

I just checked in at 10 o’clock this morning and was offered a great deal: a Keurig K15 personal coffee maker with My K-cup and 12 extra K cups. It sells for $69.98 with four easy payments of $17.50 and comes in four colors. I like the laundromat green.

FRIDAY NOV. 11: There are scores of parades and speeches. Platforms are being erected. I’m thinking of the platforms that housed the French guillotine. There are lots of flags. I won’t go there lest Donald shows up with one of his improvisations, or worse, Hillary shows up crying in a black pants suit.

Click: Oh! Thank God for Turner Classic Movies on Channel 45. TCM runs all day and into the night, featuring dead people no one under 70 remembers. It’s hosted by Robert Osborne and Ben Mankiewicz, whom no one over 21 knows.

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Sticking with it throughout the day, I’ve seen a few silent movies. Wouldn’t it be swell if the recent speeches were dubbed like that or in one of those Fellini films?

With tea and graham crackers, I’m going to watch a string of Andy Hardy classics starring Mickey Rooney. What do you mean “Who’s Mickey Rooney?” Why aren’t you in school? This column is only for folks who remember that great series. By midnight tonight, I will have seen “Love Finds Andy Hardy,” “Out West With the Hardys” and “Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever.”

I stopped watching them when I was 12. I wonder if I missed “Andy Hardy Meets the Wolf Man.”

“The Hardy Family Becomes Tea Partiers” or “Andy Hardy Comes Out?” I’d pay to see those.

I see that today they’re showing all the Marx Brothers’ movies and Basil Rathbone in the rarely viewed “Son of Frankenstein.” That should get me past Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow.

So far I’ve avoided Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room and Chuck Todd’s daily “Meet The Press” by watching game shows. Here are some I’m watching this week: “The $100,000 Pyramid,” “Family Feud,” “CELEBRITY Family Feud,” “Jeopardy” and “The Price is Right.”

MIDNIGHT: Just before bed my daughter called from Los Angeles with all the answers for “Jeopardy.” She gets it early there. Donald was right. Everything is rigged. Oh! “Citizen Kane” is on. If you’ve not seen it, you should watch it. “Rosebud” is a sled.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.


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