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Monday, March 13, 2000
Feeling the effects of bullying | ||||||
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CANAAN — Cindy Dupre has lived for most of her life with scars from having been burned horribly as an infant. She also has lived with the scars left by people who tormented her because of her injuries.
The pan fell, hitting her on the forehead and pouring 450-degree grease over most of her tiny body, melting her clothes to her flesh. For six months, she lay under an oxygen tent in the hospital, much of her skin destroyed. Doctors warned her mother that Cindy probably would not survive. But after numerous skin grafts, she recovered. Then her other battle began. It started as far back as she can remember. Children at school and on playgrounds excluded her from play and called her names, creating emotional wounds inside to go with the pink raised welts on the outside. She heard "scar face" and "scary scarry face" often. And as she walked home from school, children would push and shove her. Every day was a battle she could not win, only survive. The bullies used her visible differences to isolate her. Dupre could not help but feel the bullies were right and that she somehow was less of a person for her differences. Dupre, now 38, recalled being afraid even to wear short sleeves, even on the hottest of days, for fear of harassment. She said she avoided most of her peers and had only a few close friends. "It makes you feel that you deserve less than what you actually want," she said. Today, the mother of two says she has come to a better understanding of the years of being bullied, but it has taken a lot of reading about victims of teasing, and participating in programs intended to help people work through past abuse. She is able to wear short-sleeve shirts now. And last summer, for the first time, she says she was able to put on a sun dress. Deep down, however, the effects of the endless teasing and bullying remain. They are wounds she expects will never heal fully. "Growing up, you are scared that people are always going to to see (the scars) first," she said. "I don't think it ever dissipates. If anything, it gets stronger." Stan Davis, a guidance counselor at Bean School in Sidney and a recognized expert on bullying issues, said isolation is the harshest result of bullying and probably leaves the longest-lasting scars. While victims of bullies are able to recover in many ways, depression and low self-esteem can linger. "It hurts so much to be rejected socially that people who have been rejected over and over again develop ways to protect themselves," Davis said. Helpless to stop harassment from bullies, victims may also grow to see themselves as helpless in other areas of their lives, according to Davis. That learned helplessness equates to depression, he said. And in order to avoid social rejection, the victims of bullying avoid new social contacts. The cycle of rejection become self-perpetuating and more difficult to break. And even when a victim is able to break the cycle, the effects linger. Paula Dickerson, of Canaan, grew up in Waterville with a severe speech impediment, dyslexia, a learning disability and impaired hearing. Unable to read until the fifth grade, Dickerson was called "retard" and was harassed physically by peers. It would begin when her mother dropped her off at school in the morning and continue until Dickerson arrived home at night. "When my mom dropped me off at the end of the road, I knew (two boys from school) were waiting for me in the ditch," she said. "It was almost a daily occurrence. "When I got off the bus, (one of the boys) got off the bus with me and I would run the whole way home crying." Now 33 and a former owner of a Portland restaurant, she is still haunted by the specter of her bullies. Recently, she said, she could not sleep the day before her first day of work at a new business for fear of rejection by her new co-workers. She said a physical confrontation several months ago triggered nightmares of the isolation of her childhood. That altercation released a flood of repressed feelings of isolation and hopelessness, feelings she thought she had left behind her decades ago. "It brought back a lot of memories," she said. "I felt so helpless." Behind much of the headline-making school violence are young people who have been harassed and isolated from the community, according to Richard Hazler, professor of counselor education at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. A lack of social self-confidence may cause them to either withdraw or become emotionally aggressive toward others — essentially driving people away for fear of rejection. The ultimate effect of that isolation is that the young person gives up, according to Hazler. "The hopelessness that can evolve tends to lead to isolation," he said. "A social isolation, an emotional isolation and eventually explosion." As the bullying continues, the victim is caught in a downward spiral, becoming more and more isolated. Eventually, some perceive they have nothing left to lose, he said. Despair, in turn, can lead to suicide or striking out at others. "The longer it goes on, not only do you worry less about consequences, but also you stop seeing them," he said. Sid (not his real name), 44 and a victim of bullies for most of his life, said when he heard about the shootings last year at Columbine High School in Colorado, he could understand what the two boys who murdered some of their classmates went through. "Knowing you are a mockery of the whole society in the school, how much can one person take?" Sid asked. Growing up in Gardiner, Sid was a target of bullies all the while he was growing up. The bullying started in his working-class neighborhood when he was a small child. One of 13 children, he had one pair of pants and one shirt for school. On top of that, he was small and not good at athletics. In other words, he was an easy target. "They would shove you around, sick their dogs on you, humiliate you in front of other people in the classrooms or the cafeteria," he said. On his way to school, they forced his head into a snowbank or threw ice balls at him. One day in his junior year in high school, he was walking down the hall when a group of students, who also happened to be athletes, approached him. Without warning, one of the boys hit Sid in the groin. "They walked away laughing," he said. Sid limped into the bathroom and threw up. He told his parents about the harassment, and they notified school officials. But, Sid said, that only made matters worse. It was rare that just one person who would pick on him, he said. There were always at least two or three. Two decades later, Sid said he still fears dogs and has a fear of crowds, which makes it difficult for him to even go shopping. "It bothers me," he said. "If I want to make a trip to Wal-Mart, next thing I know I am surrounded by people." When an anxiety attack hits him, he can feel his stress level increasing. He then becomes nervous and sometimes makes rude comments under his breath. Usually his wife tells him to take a break, to go out to the car and calm down. At work, however, he is a different person. Within the well-defined limits of his job, he is calm and professional, able to deal with customers and to show his sense of humor. But on the road, he often becomes frustrated with the little things. The victim of persecution for much of his life, he takes rejection hard. He now takes antidepressants and is being treated for stress disorder. He still sees some of those who bullied him as a child. The smile and say hello, he said. They act as if nothing happened. For Sid, however, the past will always be with him. "I am going to have this for the rest of my life," he said. | ||||||
