For a while, I’ve tried to write a column of haiku each spring. For me, they’ve become a fun way to hit on a lot of the day’s sports topics, and they’re a reminder that real, honest poetry is hard.
This year, one story is needlessly huge, but I felt I had to add my two cents to the messy pile. The Tom Brady football deflation story has normally level-headed people shouting for capital punishment for a misdemeanor crime. It has many New England Patriots fans standing fists raised, ready to take on all challenges to things like “legacy” and “integrity.”
It’s a mess the NFL let get out of control through its own inability to plug leaks and misinformation, and it’s created a scandal out of thin air.
I believe the Patriots played with balls that were slightly under the NFL’s inflation requirements. I believe this happened because the guys in charge of prepping balls became sick of Tom Brady’s constant nitpicking over those balls. I believe one day, Jim McNally took a little extra air out, and after the game, Brady said something to the effect of, those were perfect, whatever you did, keep doing it.
I believe there’s a segment of the football-watching population that enjoys watching winners squirm in trouble and will accept anything as fact, as long as it gets Brady and the Patriots.
I believe this whole brouhaha will end up in court before the end of summer.
I believe I will never be a competent poet.
Tom Brady, Part I
Did you do it, Tom?
More Bond villain than QB?
Four rings, at what cost?
Roger Goodell
Worst commish ever
Vox Populi, weak leader
“Like me,” he pleads. No.
The Deflator
There are worse nicknames
But that story sounds far-fetched
Infamous now, Jim
Ted Wells
Independent? Ha!
Less relevant than disco
No doubt a bully
Patriots fans
Unconditional
Ignore the hate, laugh it off
Greatness always mocked
National reaction
Overreact? Sure!
Real, tough issues are ignored
Cheating cheater cheat!
ESPN
Bunk story started
This whole mess, check your sources
Rarely ever right
No Brady, No banner?
Hoist the Lombardi
In your memory, do you
Need a banner? Nah.
Bob Kraft
Do not suffer fools
Defend your team, unleash hell
Gillette on alert
Walt Anderson
Take notes, Walt, take notes
Use one gauge on all the balls
Inept, and a joke
Bill Belichick
Silent this week, why?
Moved on, focused on football
No time for this junk
The Colts
It wasn’t the balls
It was your lack of talent
Whine while the ax grinds
The Punishment
So over the top
Makeup for past league mistakes
A nuke to a fly
DeflateGate
What a dumb, dumb name
Contrived scandal passed as news
Lazy weak babble
Tom Brady, Part II
Legacy, rings won
Should sing louder than blowhards
The shoulder chip grows
Travis Lazarczyk — 861-9242
Twitter: @TLazarczykMTM
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