Mary Callahan, RN, lives in Lisbon.

I had lunch with my son over the weekend. We do that once or twice a month and I always enjoy it. But this time he had a surprise for me.

His counselor suggested he cut off all ties to me. And to his birth mother.

It was my idea he seek out counseling.

My son hasn’t had an easy life. He moved in with me after a few years in foster care. He was 9 at the time and I adopted him a few years later. He reconnected with his birth mother somewhere around 11. 

It wasn’t all sunshine and roses. He had behavioral issues. I had patience issues. Adding his birth mother to the mix was usually a plus but not always. All three of us could tell stories on each other.

But his prolonged adolescence ended (he might say my menopause ended) and we are all adults now. He and his mother are two of my favorite people.

So why would his counselor tell him to cut ties with us? Because that’s what counselors do these days. It’s even got a name and instructions on how to do it. It’s called “going no contact.” Google it for the instructions. You can get a template of a letter to send saying goodbye. 

I’m not new to the idea because I’ve been through it before. His older sister insisted I see her counselor with her and gave me a set of rules I had to live by to stay in her life. This after her daughter started preschool so she no longer needed me as her babysitter. 

The big rule was I was not allowed to say anything negative. There were others but I basically said no. We don’t make rules for each other. And she went no contact. Fifteen years ago. Her counselor must be so proud.

For a long time I felt very isolated and I missed my granddaughter like crazy. I learned I wasn’t alone when I started working as a home health care nurse. I would say a third of my patients have adult children who have written them off. I’ve been there when an adult child announced they were going no contact and there to pick up the pieces.

Then I discovered Facebook support groups for parents who are estranged from their adult children. There are lots of them. The one I joined has 10,000 members. We all get a chance to tell our stories and give each other moral support. The stories are all unique because we are all unique. But there are certainly common threads.

A counselor or therapist at the beginning of the story is a very common thread. 

Why do they do it? Why convince these young adults that their depression or anxiety or inability to hold down a job or whatever is their parents’ fault? And they could prove how “strong” they are by accusing us, then dumping us?

In this age and isolation and loneliness, how are they happier without the people who love them?Are these counselors planning to replace us? Be their new mothers? Or just keep them as perpetually paying clients?

Do these counselors have any real training? Because telling my son — who has plenty of reason to have abandonment issues — to self-abandon is my idea of malpractice.  

His too, fortunately. He cut ties with the counselor.