Matthew Tzuker is a writer who lives in Portland.

Welcome to Portland, Maine, Immigration and Customs enforcers! Your training has no doubt prepared you to operate in a wide variety of cities President Trump dislikes, but Portland, the original Portland, has its own set of peculiarities. Understanding these may make your time here go more smoothly and comfortably while you abduct our friends and neighbors.

You may find that people here are initially unfriendly. Don’t let that get you down.

A lot of people have come “from away” and had trouble making friends at first. Before I realized clear communication was key, I struggled to find the right friends too. Once I made it clear that I was not interested in riding around town unconstitutionally detaining others, I was able to find my people. 

You may try joining a local club or charitable organization. Many of their members, however, are currently focused on feeding and supporting people who are hiding in their homes because of you, so that could get a little awkward. 

There are also a number of churches and faith communities around town that you could attend. One note, though. They may also be busy providing other critical services to our community, regardless of people’s backgrounds. Perhaps you could start your own study or discussion group. Here is a potential topic to start you off: Who Would Jesus Deport?

As you may have read in Bon Appetit, Portland has many fine restaurants and bakeries. I’m pretty sure I myself could blow through your sign-on bonus on pastries alone! Just don’t be surprised if you get some awkward looks, because it could be unsettling to serve someone who might abduct another diner or a member of their staff. 

While you’re here, I’d strongly suggest popping into one of our plentiful marijuana shops (don’t deport anyone while you’re there, it’s all legal!). Feel free to indulge. Go wild! And if you feel the urge to just sit in your SUV and crank some tunes instead of meeting that pesky kidnapping quota, rock on, brother.

You see, brave ICE agent, many of us live next to, work alongside of and send our kids to school with the people you are here to take away. We don’t ask about their immigration status, because that’s not what you do with neighbors. I have found them to be polite, hard-working and deeply devoted to their families. And here’s the other thing: We know them and we trust them. We can’t say the same about you. 

While you are running around our icy, cobblestone streets, remember that most of the people  you are after have fled something much worse than cold and found some safety and comfort here. Helping others in that way makes us feel good and useful. Is that weird? 

If so, when you go back to your hotel tonight, check if there’s a Bible by your bed. Along with welcoming the stranger, I am pretty sure a few times in there it mentions loving your neighbor as yourself. And these are our neighbors you’re trying to round up.