Like my esteemed colleague Dave Dyer, I am a connoisseur of professional wrestling. Unlike the “Belfast Bulldog,” however, you won’t see me in the ring unless Wrestlemania  — or heck, even the Yarmouth American Legion hall — needs a guest referee.  

I can’t help but notice the parallels between wrestling and mainstream sports — the promos, the bombast, the efforts to “work” the fans (what, you think LeBron really hates the city of Boston?). Heck, even the NFL Draft looks more like “Monday Night Raw” now with the giant stage, video screens and flashing lights.

The lines between sports, entertainment and sports entertainment are more blurred than ever, which has me thinking: What if athletes were wrestlers? If Tom Brady or David Ortiz put on the tights, which stars would they emulate? And not just wrestlers, but managers, announcers, executives and other personalities?

Let’s step into the ring and find out.

Caveat: Most of my wrestling knowledge is stuck before 2010, so don’t look for any references to the Young Bucks or any other internet indy darlings.

Here goes …

 

LEGENDS

Tom Brady: Hulk Hogan. TB12 formed his own New World Order in Tampa with ex-teammates and other old stars, he has kept himself on top for too long and he even did a fake retirement angle, a la the Hulkster.

Lebron James: Triple H. King LeBron, like the King of Kings, is a pure heel’s heel who hogs the spotlight, never puts anyone over, and, like Brady and Trips, keeps himself on top for too long.

Shaquille O’Neal: Junkyard Dog. Two lovable superstars who were big in Louisiana for a while.

Gordie Howe: Lou Thesz. No-nonsense legends who were around forever. 

Nolan Ryan: Terry Funk. Two blood-and-guts Texans who also lasted forever. One had bloody brawls with Cactus Jack; the other had a bloody brawl with Robin Ventura.

Aaron Rodgers: Nick Bockwinkel or Chris Jericho c. 2008-09. Serious, arrogant heels who look down on the little people.

Wilt Chamberlain: Andre the Giant, the prime years. Big drawing cards who rarely won a title.

Manute Bol: Andre, the later years. Sad carnival freak shows. 

Brett Favre: Stone Cold Steve Austin. Badass, beer-swillers and idols of the people, although Austin hasn’t been caught in any welfare scandals.

Carlton Fisk OR Mookie Betts: Bret Hart. 

Both Fisk and Betts are among the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be at their respective positions. 

Both thought they would be Red Sox for life. 

And both got screwed by incompetent management. 

The parallels end here, of course, as Bret’s career went downhill post-WWE while Fisk and Betts continued to flourish. But Fisk, like Bret, was very serious about his craft. And Mookie, like Bret, was told by his boss financial concerns were the reason for letting him go (see below).

Mike Trout: Kenny Omega. Both are considered the best in the world; neither is truly a household name.

Rob Gronkowski: Brutus Beefcake. Much like the Barber was Hogan’s longtime flunky, Gronk has been Brady’s longtime bobo, albeit he has far more talent than Beefcake.

McCourty twins (Devin and Jason): Usos. Together forever.

Dustin Pedroia: Bryan Danielson. Lovable underdogs who overcame doubts about their size and ability to become champions.

Doug Flutie: Rey Mysterio Jr. See Pedroia and Danielson, only shorter.

David Ortiz: Undertaker. Always prevails on the biggest stage.

Tim Tebow: Ultimate Warrior. Both were a HUGE deal for a short time; both are still talked about today; both operated on the fringes for a while (Warrior: independent wrestling; Tebow, minor league baseball); and both of their comeback attempts were flops.

 

STABLES

Leonard Fournette, Richard Sherman, Jason Pierre-Paul, Antonio Brown, Julio Jones, Logan Ryan, Shaq Mason, Ndamukong Suh, etc.: nWo black and white. A bunch of ex-stars and teammates who joined an ever-expanding roster of Brady’s flunkies in Tampa.

Josh McDaniels, Duron Harmon, Chandler Jones, Jarret Stidham: nWo Wolfpac. Former Patriots who are on the good side. 

(If you can’t tell yet, I took Brady’s departure to Tampa Bay a little personally.)

Manning family: Hart family, albeit with far less dysfunction.

1980s Miami football: The Four Horsemen. Legendary heel stables still talked about today in reverent tones.

 

MANAGERS/EXECUTIVES 

Rex Ryan: Captain Lou Albano. Obnoxious, (formerly) overweight heels who were big — literally and figuratively — in New York City.

Joe Maddon: JJ Dillon. Arrogant heel managers.

Bobby Valentine: Vince Russo. One was a legend in his own mind who drove WCW into the ground in record time; the other was a legend in his own mind who drove the Red Sox into the ground in record time.

Larry Lucchino: Eric Bischoff. Mr. Big Shot, squared. Although while Bisch spent Ted Turner’s money on free-agent wrestlers, Lucchino spent $150 million of taxpayers’ money on a monument to himself (Polar Park, the home of the Worcester Red Sox). Maybe I should compare Lucchino to Larry Zybyzko so I can call it “Larryland.”

George Steinbrenner: Mr. McMahon, WWE CEO. Abrasive bosses who spent money, often got their way — and won despite some bumps in the road.

Steve Spurrier: Jimmy Hart. Both have been nicknamed “The Mouth of the South.”

John Henry: Verne Gagne. Out-of-touch owners who let all their stars go elsewhere. Gagne, who ran the once-successful American Wrestling Association, was left with the past-their-prime likes of Baron von Rachske and Da Crusher. John Henry, who runs the once-successful Boston Red Sox, is left with the past-their-prime likes of Chris Sale and Eric Hosmer.

(If you can’t tell yet, I took the Mookie trade a little personally.)

 

ANNOUNCERS

Joe Buck: Michael Cole during his 2010-12 heel announcer period. Both were/are smarmy and negative toward your heroes.

Al Michaels: Jim Ross. Two announcing legends getting a little long in the tooth.

Jack Edwards: Vince McMahon, the WWE Superstars/Saturday Night’s Main Event era. Screaming announcers shamelessly rooting for the good guys. Although I can’t see Andy Brickley, Edwards’ NESN sidekick, turning into Jesse “The Body” Ventura anytime soon.

 

SPECIAL MENTION

Peter Gammons: Dave Meltzer. Both revolutionized journalism in their respective fields, Gammons with his Sunday baseball notes, and Meltzer with his Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Both also possess a rather  … eccentric writing style that’s hard to describe. In short: Gammo makes obscure references, Meltzer writes run-on sentences.

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