Guess what I’ve been doing. Go on. Take a minute. Guess. Those of you who answered, “Sitting thinking about all his fears” should… Wait. Seriously? Why on Earth would you think that?

Anyway, that’s what I was doing. I was thinking about the things that make me fearful, probably because it’s around Halloween, the spookiest, kookiest time of the year, and something I’ve never been a big fan of.

About those fears. I don’t know why I started down that (dark and scary, for those of you who are Halloween fans) path. True, fears pop up now and then, but it’s usually more of a Whack-a-mole situation: one pops up, you whack it with the mallet, it disappears, then another pops up. But, in this case, I was actually making a list.

Now, just by bringing such a thing up, I realize some of you may have started doing the same thing. Sorry. If you haven’t, don’t. Facing your fears and thinking about the fears you don’t want to face are far from the same thing. Think about bunnies instead.

One revelation I did have, though, was that the fears at this point in my life are considerably different from what I would have listed even a couple of years ago. I mean, I’m still afraid of snakes, and there is still no actual reason for that fear, but I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. Adam and Eve, maybe? Mind you, on two continents, I probably have seen a total of five snakes in 65 years, and each one was slithering away from me as fast as it could.

And clowns. I’m still afraid of clowns. I understand that a lot of clowns are involved in helping others, and most certainly devote a lot of time and energy to entertaining people, but, they still creep me out. They’re usually big and energetic, and they insist on getting into my personal space and trying too hard to make me laugh.

The abnormal fear of clowns is called coulrophobia, by the way.

The fears that I need to confront today are deeper, more emotionally based.

I am afraid of losing any more loved ones. I guess that’s always been running as a background script, but now it’s very much to the forefront. Obviously, finding out how quickly one can go from thinking you’re healthy to having an incurable cancer could do that to you. Linked with that, we had to put our beloved cat Samantha to sleep about a month before I was diagnosed with cancer. That was horrible. If you’re a pet lover, you know what I mean. If you aren’t, I can’t explain it to you. I actually have shed far more tears over that loss than my own illness.

My reaction to this type of loss is, “Fine. I’m just not going to love anyone or anything again.” You can probably see the obvious flaw in that plan, right? Even if you don’t love anyone or anything else, you’re still stuck with the loved ones you already have. Damn.

As bad as multiple myeloma may be, I don’t think it even makes my top 10 list of diseases I wouldn’t ever want to have. No. 1, with a bullet as we used to say in the radio biz, is amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease. As I’m sure you know, with ALS your body slowly deteriorates while your mind remains strong and active. Alzheimer’s disease, multiple sclerosis, muscular dystrophy, polio and, I’m sure, countless others I’ve never even heard of, would be higher on my list than multiple myeloma.

Sitting here, writing this, though, my biggest fear is that my multiple myeloma becomes active again before I’m ready. Yeah, I know, you’re never ready, but, in some ways, you can be.

That one is pretty situational, though, since I have a blood work tested every month to tell me how I’m doing. Initially, I thought that the cancer becoming active again would be a constant fear, hanging over my head like the proverbial Sword of Damocles (whoever he was). It isn’t, though. I don’t actually think about it very often, but around my checkups it does tend to make a cameo appearance. I’m actually getting much better at letting things be that I have no control over, though.

One positive in this fear list thing is that I realized I no longer have inkafaceaphobia: the abnormal fear of ink from a restaurant paper napkin coming off on your face and having no one tell you about it. Look, we have to deal with our fears where and when we can. Cut me some slack.

Jim Arnold is a former copy editor for the Kennebec Journal and Morning Sentinel. To read more about his journey through cancer, visit his blog, findingthepony.blogspot.com.