“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

— Michael Corleone

Full Disclosure: In 1954, while serving in the Air Force, I performed daily “clerical duties” in a certain windowless building far, far away from here. The duties required handling sensitive and classified documents. Even though I had no idea what I was doing, just being in this building required one to have a full security clearance. True story.

Then, this week, suddenly:

BREAKING NEWS

The Daily Beast informs us that China’s spy hackers “hit the blackmail jackpot with data on 4 million federal workers.” It’s the biggest breach of the century. The Beast now tells us that it’s worse than we first thought. If you’ve ever held a security clearance with Uncle Sam, there’s a good chance the Chinese have all the dope on the Kardashians, Caitlyn Jenner, Hillary and you, which they can use to blackmail us all and bend us to their will.

I know, you think I’m being silly. My security clearance was active more than 60 years ago. But it would just be my luck that they’ve stumbled on my old file and are thinking, “Isn’t this the guy who calls himself J.P. and writes that humor column in Maine?”

Here are a few of the items the Daily Beast says that the Chinese can use against me:

“Gambling habits, inability to pay bills on time, spats with former spouses or trysts.” Are those words the Chinese think we even use anymore?

Gambling habits? OK, I play the lottery twice a week, but I never win anything. Does that count? I also bet some money that the Red Sox are going to win the World Series again this year. Do you think they’ll use that, or just laugh?

Bills? I don’t know anything about bills. I didn’t have bills at that time, and the ones I have now, like for clothes and wine, She — who doesn’t let me carry charge cards or checks — handles.

Former spouses or trysts?

I’ve only had one spouse.

Trysts? Is that like, “Fooling around with girls?” OK, I had a few “trysts.”

Are Louise, Rosemary, Rachel and Loretta going to divulge our trysts? Can they and the myriad others in my youth, be forced to rat on me to save their own skins from Chinese spies?

Can Louise, Rosemary, Rachel and Loretta even remember our spats and trysts? Are Louise, Rosemary, Rachel and Loretta even alive? And if so, do they even remember me?

And this: “College drug habits.” My drug habits — Scotch, Martinis, Jack Daniels and the occasional joint — didn’t start until the 1960s in Hollywood. I don’t think that would hold up in a Chinese court.

According to this report, the Chinese spies can use this stuff to force me to spy for them in foreign countries, like Cuba. I’d love to go to Cuba, but I don’t want to be a Chinese spy.

Why would they make me do that? I mean, I’ve always had good relations with the Chinese. I once dated the Chinese espresso girl in a movie theater in Hollywood. I love Chinese food, especially the egg rolls and orange chicken in the food court at the mall.

These Chinese intelligence hackers will be, the article claims, looking to uncover youthful indiscretions they can use against me.

Are they kidding? My entire life has been one long indiscretion. I tap-danced through life as fast as I could, scoring points, breaking hearts and a minor traffic law here and there. Who cared? So I smoked a couple of things not available in the supermarkets. Who didn’t?

I jaywalked, failed to return library books, sneaked into movie theaters through the back door and lied, including to the priests at confession. In my youth I told a couple of lies to She, who knew I was lying, and with great generosity, told me she had always known, 50 years later. Busted.

So all of these years I thought, the good, the bad and the ugly were buried under the weight of the decades.

Now, it may all be unearthed. Do I need a lawyer, do you think? Do we even have a lawyer in central Maine who speaks Chinese?

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. All of his columns can be found on CentralMaine.com.