It is time to state the case against Texas, and politely ask for its withdrawal from the United States.

No other state has managed to do more damage to the rest of the country, yet no other state has been able to so wrap itself in myth and grandiosity. Texas is a monument to everything bad about America. For example:

* The Alamo. Myth has it that in 1836, nearly 200 Texans died for freedom at the Alamo mission, slaughtered by that ruthless tyrant, Gen. Santa Ana. The reality is that Santa Ana previously had abolished slavery in all of Mexico, including Texas. The slaveholding Texans, who had migrated from other parts of the American South, were fighting to preserve slavery, not freedom.

Fess Parker and John Wayne, if they were still alive, should be ashamed of themselves. It’s enough to make me want to burn my coonskin cap, except my parents wouldn’t let me get one back in fifth grade, when Walt Disney first ran his Davy Crocket series.

* Mexican War: Texas was admitted to the Union in 1845 as a slave state, pretty much guaranteeing both a war with Mexico and, later, a civil war among the American states. If Mexico had staved off the U.S. invasion and kept its territory intact — with all that gold and fertile farmland in California and oil in Texas, it would have had to secure its borders to keep all those norteamericanos from illegally immigrating.

By the Civil War, 30 percent of the population of Texas was held as slaves, working on some of the most brutal cotton plantations in the South.

* Civil War. While Col. Joshua Chamberlain and the 20th Maine were desperately fighting the 15th Alabama at Little Round Top on July 2, 1863, during the Battle of Gettysburg, the 4th and 5th Texas regiments were fighting on another portion of the same hill against New York and Pennsylvania units.

If Texas and Alabama had succeeded in outflanking Union forces on that day, the Civil War might have ended in favor of the South, and we would all be speaking Southern today, y’all.

* Stupid cowboy myths. Allowed back into the Union in 1870, Texas proceeded to invent totally ridiculous cowboy myths. A miniscule portion of the population actually roped cattle, rode horses, shot sixguns, and sat around the campfire eating beans.

Nevertheless, today 95 percent of Texan males swagger when they walk, and wear stupid-looking pointy-toed boots and oversized hats.

Texans have by far the most annoying of Southern accents, and they use it to take bragging to new heights of ridiculousness.

“Texan tall story” is just a euphemism for lying. So, how can you tell when a Texan is lying? When his lips are moving.

* Texan presidents. Three U.S. Presidents came from Texas: Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-61), Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-69) and George W. Bush (2001-2009). Eisenhower got us out of the Korean War, balanced the budget, and was pretty unremarkable except for launching Richard Nixon’s political career by keeping him on as vice president for two terms.

Johnson and Bush, on the other hand, did everything in their power to bring this country to its knees.

LBJ’s pursuit of the Vietnam War killed 55,000 of our troops and millions of Vietnamese, and it did nothing to protect our national interests. We are still living with the effects today — PTSD and the deadly effects of Agent Orange in our veterans — and a country that is still deeply divided about the purpose of the war.

Bush’s attempts to destroy this country are legendary — huge deficits, tax cuts for the rich, two illegal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the second-largest financial collapse in our history. We are not out of those woods yet — and we may never get out.

How about Texan Rick Perry in 2012? He’s already on record that he’s a big advocate of Blue Bell ice cream, presumably made in Texas.

Sayonara Ben and Jerry’s!

Denis Thoet owns and manages Long Meadow Farm in West Gardiner. www.longmeadowfarmmaine.com.


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