Dear Harlan,

Last August, my wife and I welcomed twin boys into the world. They are beautiful, full of energy, and they actually sleep through the night. There is only one problem. Since they were born, our sex life has become nonexistent. We have talked about it, but it never seems to get any better (which would be us having any type of intimacy). She is not breastfeeding the boys, but she is pumping milk four to five times a day. She says that she doesn’t feel like her body belongs to her and she can’t bring herself to share it with me at this point. I am trying to be patient, but I am worried that the longer this drought lasts, the harder it will be for her to become intimate again. Am I being unreasonable? Is this just something all guys deal with? Does the fact that we have twins factor into the picture? What can I do to get us back in the sack? Help!

Sexless Dad of Twins

Dear Sexless Dad,

You’re in a tough spot. She’s pumping her breasts, recovering from birth, soothing twins and you want to get some. You run the risk of looking like an insensitive guy. Talk to her, but pick the right time. Avoid bringing it up while she’s pumping, changing diapers or in the middle of the night after putting the kids back to sleep. Take her on a date. Don’t make this about sex. Let her know how much you love and appreciate her. Then explain that you’re scared of losing that connection. See if she has suggestions or ideas, but go into the conversation knowing the drought might have nothing to do with sex or you. She might not feel attractive post-pregnancy. She might be exhausted. Her sex drive could be reduced. She might secretly fear getting pregnant again. It could be deeper. Postpartum depression is more common among moms of twins. If your wife doesn’t want to talk about it or doesn’t understand how serious this is for you, suggest you both talk to her OB/GYN about it. Then find a couple’s therapist to guide you. Be loving, be honest and be patient. In the meantime, I’d love to hear from other moms and dads who have been there, done it and survived. Send your suggestions to me at

[email protected]; Subject: Sexless Dad of Twins.

Dear Harlan,

Let’s say your roommate is on the phone with his mom, his girlfriend and God knows who else constantly. Would a good compromise be that he step outside the room to take these long phone calls? These phone calls are always long phone calls, and it annoys me that I can always hear his whole conversation. Almost every night he insists on calling his girlfriend at late hours. It varies how late, but even up to 2 a.m. What should I do?

Late-Night Talker

Dear Late-Night Talker,

Do you guys live in a library? Listen, he’s as entitled to talk in the room as you. If he’s talking too late or too early, that’s a different situation. But why expect him to leave the room during the day? How about this: Acknowledge that he has a right to talk in the room, but ask if he’s willing to take the conversation outside once in a while. Other times, you can leave. See if this approach works. If not, earplugs or a new roommate will be the answer.

Write Harlan at [email protected] or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author.


Only subscribers are eligible to post comments. Please subscribe or to participate in the conversation. Here’s why.

Use the form below to reset your password. When you've submitted your account email, we will send an email with a reset code.