Let me describe to you the best sports day ever.

You tee off on the first hole of your favorite golf course, and you sink a hole in one,

right before you nail the trifecta at the Kentucky Derby,

just after your favorite baseball team wins Game 7 of the World Series on a two-out, walk-off, inside-the-park grand slam in the bottom of the ninth inning,

right around the time you bowl a 300 game,

seconds before you hug the sherpa who essentially willed you to the peak of Mt. Everest,

moments after your favorite NFL team wins the Super Bowl on a 50-yard Hail Mary pass, one play after recovering an onside kick, which came one play after a fake punt for a touchdown,

on the heels of the announcement that the strongest thing your favorite athlete ever put into his or her body is a double skinny soy latte,

at the same time you sink your second hole in one,

just as your favorite college football team wins the national championship on a last second 60-yard field goal,

while you cross the finish line and complete your first marathon,

an hour before you bluff your way to victory at the World Series of Poker with nothing but an off suit two and a seven,

while watching your alma mater earn a spot in the Final Four when the star shooting guard, who just announced he’s not going pro until he has his degree, sinks a halfcourt buzzer beating 3-pointer for the win,

approximately 10 minutes after the star forward on your nation’s soccer team gets bumped a little, but rather than flop around the pitch as if he’s been mortally wounded, collects his balance and the ball and boots a perfect laser beam of a shot past the outstretched arms of the goalie and into the net to win the World Cup,

as the ball sways on the rim of the cup before falling in for your third hole in one,

after you beat your buddy who played college basketball in a game of Horse,

and your favorite NHL team scores a goal in the final minute of Game 7 to win the Stanley Cup,

after which you make your buddy’s knee buckle with a perfect Wiffleball curveball,

before your favorite ballplayer of all time fires his agent, proclaims “It’s not about the money,” and signs a contract extension well below market value to stay with your favorite team for the rest of his career,

after you watch your favorite driver lap the entire field to win the Daytona 500,

moments before the star player on your favorite NBA team steals an inbounds pass and drives for an uncontested game-winning layup in Game 7 of the finals,

right about the time you throw a perfect spiral of a pass to win a backyard game of two-hand touch football,

a split second before you hear the wail of the fire truck sirens, signifying that your hometown team is enjoying an impromptu state championship celebration and parade,

on or about the time you complete the triple crown by beating your buddy in a game of ping pong,

but not before, how about that! Another hole in one.

Travis Lazarczyk — 861-9242

[email protected]

Twitter: @TLazarczykMTM

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