“If you think it’s gonna rain, it will.”

— Clint Eastwood.

IT’S 112 IN Los Angeles, 92 in Portland; but just in time to cool our fevered brows, better, fresher and happier news has arrived.

For those of you who have long suspected that GMOs are everywhere — in Cap’n Crunch, Dairy Queen shakes and Starbucks’ new secret Affogato Frappuccino — here is something new to chew on beside that gluten-free oatmeal cookie. Change is coming to the Best Coast, from Washington, D.C., straight up to the County. Feel the excitement.

First, for those from away, send your grateful prayers and thoughts to those on the other coast. They will soon get notice that they can start filling their pools with something other than Fiji water.

El Nino is coming. It’s coming to the entire West Coast and Southwest, and all is going to be well again. California boat docks will rise again and maybe even float away. Arizona’s Lake Mead will soon be full of toy sailboats. Apparently all of that Hopi Indian rain dancing has paid off.

We feel that our California brethren have all suffered long enough, and clearly God has been hearing all of their prayers.

It’s reported that a really big El Nino — some in the film business are calling it the Godzilla of Los Ninos — will bring mixed blessings to the West Coast.

Yes, the lawns and golf courses will be greener, but many will be washed away down the street and into the catch basin. Lock the garage doors. Hold on to those lawn chairs. It’s coming. It won’t be a Noah effect, so don’t build any arks; but a couple of life vests might not be a bad idea.

Will torrents of rain and mudslides wash thousands of Mercedes and BMWs from the Pacific Coast Highway right down onto the private beaches and wash away hundreds of tall, gorgeous blonde surfers? HBO cameras are on the ready.

WTH is El Nino, you ask?

“Fishermen off the west coast of South America were the first to notice appearances of unusually warm water that occurred at year’s end. The phenomenon became known as El Nino because of its tendency to occur around Christmas time. “El Nino” is Spanish for “the boy child” and is named after the baby Jesus.” I love the Internet.

The faithful may ask why we care that Godless Los Angeles and most of the unrepentant Rainbow children of San Francisco will soon be swept away in tsunamis. What’s in it for us of pure hearts and straight values?

Surprise, surprise. It will be a basket of blessings, I’m happy to say. Remember that polar vortex that fueled our killer cold winter last year? Who can forget? This year, we may be spared those 7-foot drifts, ice storms, snow-clogged gutters, slippery driveways and oil bills.

El Nino to the rescue. Who would have known?

According to the data, it will bring warmer, drier weather to the East, perhaps even dragging autumn into December. Just when we laid away hundreds of dollars in L.L. Bean boots, we may be caroling in flip-flops and golf shirts.

Experts say that there is a 90 percent chance of this El Nino lasting through the winter and up to spring. This spring factor is important to us, because the effects of the Christmas boy are more dramatic in the colder months, and we have beaucoup of those.

Of course, some conspiracy theorists suspect that NASA and the CIA are behind all of this. The Republicans are saying it’s the effects of Benghazi, Donald Trump is blaming Jeb Bush, and Mike Huckabee blames Planned Parenthood. Lindsay Graham and John McCain have canceled a getaway golf weekend this Thanksgiving. What’s with that?

There are those in the majority in Augusta who fear that warmer weather has to have an effect on our seashore. How else, one wonders, to explain the sudden surge of mutant calico lobsters?

Is it really possible that El Nino, combined with the growing effects of Earth warming, could bring an influx of great white sharks to Camden harbor? Will there really be less snow but more warm rain? Will carolers be carrying umbrellas? Am I going to have to install even more glow-in-the-dark gutters?

Watch the skies and check this column for upcoming news. I have to go clean my gutter.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.


Only subscribers are eligible to post comments. Please subscribe or to participate in the conversation. Here’s why.

Use the form below to reset your password. When you've submitted your account email, we will send an email with a reset code.

filed under: