“Actually, I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it.”

— Larry David

The award shows are back, and I’m trying hard to avoid them. OK, under pressure from my Hollywood daughters, I watched the 2016 Grammys long enough to see Kendrick Lamar, Max Martin, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran and Amy Wadge, all stars of the awards. She only looked up from her book to see the dresses. I think I recognized Justin Bieber, and certainly Pharrell Williams, because his blockbuster “Happy” once made me dance with the mop in the kitchen. I consider that a major achievement at my age — not that I remember the song, but that I can still dance with a mop.

I know that I’m what one of the teenage stars called “an old white-haired jazz fan.” Yes, that would be me. I grew up in an era of real jazz, and I’m still snobby about the stars: Miles and Dizzy, Coltrane and Mingus.

But when the hip-hop and rap eras dawned, my inner Walkman lost battery power and went dead, my hair gave up the last threads of black, and I sank into the long Maine winter nights listening to Peggy Lee, Frank, Nat King Cole, Diana Krall and, of course, Tony Bennett.

Movie awards: Now, there’s a category I can understand. I’m still a member of Screen Actors Guild, and I have some skin in the game. But over the years, the awards have gotten out of control. Once upon a time there was just that one special night; the Oscars. Now it’s like junior league soccer. There’s a prize for everyone; you just have to keep your tux clean and pressed and make the rounds.

• People’s Choice Awards: In 1975 the People’s Choice Awards debuted; this is where the average moviegoer gets a voice. It’s complicated, and I don’t understand it at all.

Movie people like this evening because unlike the Oscars, show folk get to nibble and sip, get smashed and maybe go home with a piece of crystal.

• Screen Actors Guild Awards. Voting for the Screen Actors Guild Awards is done in two stages. In the first stage, members of the Motion Picture and Television Nominating Committees (VIPs) review For Your Consideration materials (a billion-dollar ad business) and vote on the nominees.

In the second stage of voting, all active members who paid their November 2015 dues by Dec. 1 (this used to be me until I stayed away too long and retired from consideration. My actor son-in-law still votes) will receive voting information and For Your Consideration materials (fun free DVDS of the movies) to review and vote for the recipients.

Golden Globe Awards. This is the funnest show to watch, because almost all of the participants are smashed out of their minds. She likes this one just to see what the ladies are wearing. All women do that. It’s also the most meaningless show. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association only has about 90 members, guys and gals from Greece, France, Germany, Estonia, Bulgaria and possibly a movie theater somewhere in a Russian gulag. They love to come to Beverly Hills, use the various pools and dance between the tables with Scarlett Johansson while their wives sit at the tables ogling George Clooney.

• The Oscars. This is the Kentucky Derby of award shows. All awards are good to line your mantle with, but the golden Oscar statue can get you free drinks, a hot girl or guy and flight seat upgrades anywhere in the world. Also, it sends your price soaring.

If you got 25 bucks for a movie before, now you get $20 million and your name on the credits above whomever else is in the movie. Plus, when you die, your obit will read “OSCAR WINNER DIES.” If only nominated, your obit appears at the bottom of the want ads.

I don’t watch the Academy of Country Music Awards, IHeartRadio Music Awards or MTV Movie Awards.

If there ever is an award show for freelance writers, call me, and I’ll bring the bottle.

FYI, the Academy Awards are on Feb 28.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. His book, “Will Write for Food,” is a collection of some of his best Morning Sentinel columns.

Only subscribers are eligible to post comments. Please subscribe or to participate in the conversation. Here’s why.

Use the form below to reset your password. When you've submitted your account email, we will send an email with a reset code.

filed under: