OK, Patriots fans. You’ve known this month is coming for a while, ever since the NFL won its appeal and Tom Brady’s suspension, as trumped up and bogus as it may be, was reinstated. This storm has been on the radar for months.

If the universe has a sense of humor at all, the four games of the Jimmy Garoppolo era will go something like this:

Sept. 11: Without his best weapon (Rob Gronkowski), both starting tackles (Nate Solder and Sebastian Vollmer) and a starting guard (Jonathan Cooper), Garoppolo manages to keep the Patriots in the opening night game against the Arizona Cardinals, but a talented Cardinals team takes a 24-16 win. Garoppolo completes 16 of 29 passes for 187 yards and a touchdown pass to new tight end Martellus Bennett. He also throws one interception, on a pass that deflects off the hands of running back James White.

After the game, head coach Bill Belichick mumbles something about playing with the guys who made the trip when asked about the status of Gronk, Solder and Cooper.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady drives 100 miles north to rural Maine, where he pulls a baseball cap low over his head and watches the game at a bar. When he points at Cardinals linebacker Kevin Minter and shouts “Fifty-one is the mike!” for the tenth time, it draws attention.

“Hey,” a fellow barfly says, “you look just like —”

“Yeah,” Brady says, interrupting. “I get that a lot. Here’s a hundred bucks to leave me alone.”

Sept. 13: Hot take aficionados call in to sports talk radio shows all over New England, declaring 2016 a lost season. A few brave souls call for the benching of Garoppolo and for rookie Jacoby Brissett to start at quarterback.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady has 100 large pizzas, each one crazy with anchovies, delivered to Roger Goodell’s Scarborough home.

Sept. 18: Gronk returns to the lineup and catches two Garoppolo touchdown passes in a 31-20 win over the Miami Dolphins. Garoppolo is sharp, completing 23 of 35 passes for 278 yards and three touchdowns.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady calls Seth MacFarlane with an idea for “Ted 3”, in which Brady, Mark Wahlberg and Ted the Bear join forces to bring down the arrogant, power-mad commissioner of a professional sports league.

“Write what you know,” Brady texts to Wahlberg, who is immediately on board.

Sept. 21: Hot take superstars call sports talk radio all over New England demanding the Patriots trade Garoppolo now, while his value is at its peak. Five first round picks is Garoppolo’s consensus value on the talk radio market.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady sits in his dark living room and watches “Any Given Sunday” all day.

Sept. 22: With a short week and a Thursday night game against the Houston Texans, Garoppolo has the lousy game many were anticipating and most were afraid of. He’s just 12 for 26 with two picks and no touchdowns in a 20-10 loss.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady gets a dozen cell phones under false names, and begins making crank calls to NFL headquarters. Often, Brady will ask if they have Prince Albert in a can. No matter the reply, Brady’s response is “You should let him out, and let Tom Brady play while you’re at it, jerk!”

Brady often says these things in Portuguese he learned from his wife, Gisele.

Sept. 26: Hot take connoisseurs call sports talk radio all over New England, dismayed that now Garoppolo is untradeable, because he obviously stinks.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady makes a few neighborhood kids run pass routes in the street, where he breaks one boy’s index finger with the sharpest, tightest spiral he’s ever thrown.

Oct. 2: Garoppolo is solid — 18 for 29, 224 yards, two touchdowns — in a 27-17 win over the Buffalo Bills. Buffalo head coach Rex Ryan complains that his headset doesn’t work at Gillette Stadium, but it turns out his brother Rob, the Bills’ defensive coordinator, just spilled maple syrup on it at breakfast.

The Patriots are 2-2 after their difficult month, and an ominous feeling of dread washes over most of the NFL. Hot take meters all over the country break.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady wakes up at 3 a.m. on Monday morning, like a kid on Christmas. He shaves the scraggly month of growth off his face, and finally goes to work.

Travis Lazarczyk — 861-9242

tlazarczyk@centralmaine.com

Twitter: @TLazarczykMTM