“Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you’ll find the real tinsel underneath.”

— Oscar Levant

Breaking tweets: Jan. 2, 2018

According to Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, many of Hollywood’s biggest agencies and studios are all abuzz this morning.

Of course it’s old news that only last year, President Trump, in an excess of nostalgia and an unexpected cash drop from an anonymous fan, found himself realizing his childhood dream of appearing on the very large, big-ticket movie house screens. We all know that’s he’s long been a fan of old movies.

So last year President Trump purchased (under his daughter Ivanka’s name) three of Hollywood’s major studios, with the exception of Disney (he didn’t want to risk being animated).

Of course, this was all put aside late in October 2016, when he discovered, much to his surprise, that he was actually winning the election and had to start paying attention.

Now with his place in history secured, President Trump has turned to his childhood dream.

Studio head Trump made sense, but now the president has shocked everyone with his desire to actually act in his films. Of course, Hollywood bigwigs “smelled money” and quickly tweeted the White House with encouragement.

Today, through leaked emails from Julian Assange and the Russians, we learn that only last month President Trump had decided to pass on a remake of Leo McCarey’s 1945 “The Bells of St. Marys” that would have starred himself in the Bing Crosby role of Father Chuck O’Malley and his wife, Melania, in the Ingrid Bergman role of Sister Mary Benedict.

But the project was eventually dropped when Mrs. Trump grew unhappy with having to wear a nun’s costume, and Kellyanne Conway tweeted that she had been promised the role and threatened litigation.

News soon broke about other remakes of great films that President Trump is considering tackling in his abundance of spare time.

A remake of Michael Curtiz’s 1941 “Casablanca” was discussed when the president expressed a desire to play the role of Rick, with Melania recreating Ingrid Bergman’s famous role of Ilsa Lund.

This plan crashed when Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway screeched to Bill O’Reilly that her president had already promised her the role and threatened litigation.

After a flurry of late-night tweets from President Trump and a hurried breakfast in the Oval Office, the project was canceled.

Then 1939’s “Gone With the Wind” was talked about, and the president, excited to play Rhett Butler, starting taking Southern dialect coaching from Attorney General Jeff Sessions. But friction between Ms. Conway and the first lady about playing Scarlett presented too many problems. Case closed.

But today the movie world is ablaze with the news that the president is involved in a total remake of Francis Ford Coppola’s monumental “The Godfather.”

It is rumored that Coppola’s daughter, Sofia Coppola, is eager to direct, despite her problems with the script rewrite by a paroled and reputed former mobster — name withheld.

We’re told that Sofia has refused to alter some of the changes to famous classic lines like “Leave the gun, take the cannoli,” which was changed to “Leave the gun, take the borscht.”

Some say that The Donald insisted on that change as a tip of the hat to Russian President Vladimir Putin, who is reportedly bankrolling the project in exchange for being given the juicy part of the mobster Barzini, who heads one of the Five Families and pulls strings behind the scenes.

Sofia also objected to the casting of former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie in the role of Luca Brasi. She eventually caved on that one, when Gov. Christie tweeted that he had already memorized his two lines. Sofia clearly has a big heart.

Hopefully, cameras will roll in 2019 with Kellyanne Conway, who, after withdrawing litigation, will play Michael’s wife, Kay. Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry are also on board for major roles.

The hottest question of all is who will play the key role of Michael Corleone. Ted Cruz is interested, of course, but isn’t that “little” Marco Rubio out there in the pool with The Donald?

Stay tune for breaking tweets.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.


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