It’s coming. Monday a complete eclipse of the sun will be witnessed in several states as it cuts a swath across America. That’s two days away. Are you and your loved ones prepared?

In anticipation, entrepreneurs in Maine are busy setting up viewing lodges, carnival rides and fried dough kiosks not far from you.

I’m told that the Aztecs and anyone living around the same time believed that the shadow that was crossing the sun was a giant snake that was eating it. Yes, eating the sun. Talk about heartburn.

Even today, some places in the deep woods of Alabama, Tennessee and several other red states that went for 45 also believe that a giant snake is eating the sun. Breitbart News has confirmed this.

BREAKING NEWS: It has been leaked that a certain unstable current occupant of the Oval Office has called in an oracle from North Korea to perform a political exorcism on someone close to 45.

The oracle, given full immigration immunity for this occasion, tweeted 45 that such an exorcism works better under a complete eclipse. The staff member to be exorcised has not been named, and MSNBC also has not confirmed this.

But embracing caution, Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway have embarked on a quick “meet and greet” cruise in the Ozarks.

A less than reliable source is a retired drug “supplier to the stars” who calls himself “Kudo” and is rumored to be a confidante of Anthony Scaramucci.

Kudo has heard from some of his best customers that they do not necessarily dismiss the ancient idea that there is a giant snake that is about to swallow the sun, and that this serpent could be a result of climate change.

Kudo offers a quick medical tip you should know in case you are called upon to calm down those of your jittery, eclipse-welcoming friends.

Kudo cautions that recreational marijuana, especially the candied kind, doesn’t always work well with emotionally unstable stoners and those just out of rehab, as it increases paranoia.

Some background: The word eclipse comes from the Greek word meaning abandonment, and this is important.

Some of your recreational hookah smokers may, as the sky darkens, feel a sense of abandonment. This is normal and can be relieved by randomly hugging strangers in line at Starbucks.

However, a waitress friend of mine at a Chinese restaurant in Bingham tells me that the ancient Chinese did believe in the snake, and, I’ve heard, so does North Korea’s Kim Jong-un.

The aforementioned ancient Chinese, especially the elders, would actually run outside and bang pots and pans to frighten away the dragon. You probably remember some of your elder relatives doing the same thing on New Year’s Eve when you were a kid. Rumor has it that Bernie Sanders practices this ritual.

It is whispered that many of these rumors are being bandied about in the Oval Office by a former devout member of a stoner bowling team and Bible study group from VP Mike Pence’s hometown of Columbus, Indiana, whose transgender stepsister has been sleeping with the anonymous leaker in the West Wing.

More legends tell us that in India, people of all sects would immerse themselves up to the neck in water to fight off the dragon or snake.

I clearly remember a good friend of mine from the ’60s, dear Toby Nichols, an amateur sitar player, heard about this when he joined the Beatles on their trip to India.

When a total eclipse occurred on July 11, 1991, while Toby and friends were looking for mushrooms in southern Mexico, they immediately raced to a nearby tourist hotel and, without reservations, immersed themselves in the pool.

Unfortunately, I’m told that this eclipse will only be partially seen over central Maine. However, a total eclipse will be enjoyed here on April 8, 2024. Get those eclipse glasses ready.

J.P. Devine is a writer from Waterville.

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