My mother is funny, even when she’s not trying to be. When I spoke to her for this column, she most certainly was not trying to be funny.

Over the years, I’ve used this space on Mother’s Day to ask my mom, Diane Lazarczyk, some questions on the sports topics of the day. A diehard fan of the Red Sox, she also pays above average attention to the Bruins, Celtics and Patriots, possibly through osmosis by listening to the rest of us talk about and watch those teams with vigor.

When I called Mom on Saturday morning, though, she didn’t have a lot to say.

“Haven’t you got something else you can write about besides me?”

One thing I’ve learned is, Mom does not suffer fools. In that regard, it’s amazing she’s put up with my shenanigans for as long as she has. She was not going to put up with my tomfoolery today.

Mom, what do you think of all the nonsense surrounding Brad Marchand?

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“I knew Marchand licked some guy’s face and they told him he couldn’t cuddle or whatever.”

What do you think you’d do if you saw Keith lick an opponent during a game (Keith is my youngest brother. He still plays hockey in a competitive men’s league)?

“I probably would’ve thought it’s funny.”

She laughed.

“I probably wouldn’t even have noticed.”

What do you think of David Price? Didn’t you have carpal tunnel syndrome?

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“I had something with my thumb from typing so much, but it wasn’t carpal tunnel.”

Do you think Price is soft? I should note that we spoke hours before Price’s scheduled start Saturday afternoon in Toronto. By the time you’re reading this, Price may have thrown a perfect game with 23 strikeouts. If so, on behalf of my mom, I humbly apologize to David Price for implying he’s anything but a true baseball juggernaut.

“I don’t know what this Fortnite is. It’s like his brain didn’t mature.”

Mom paused.

“Of course, you had that other bunch that didn’t mature past drinking beer and eating fried chicken. Frat boys.”

Picking at a 7-year-old wound. Grudges linger in Red Sox Nation, and it’s nice to see my Mom is no exception.

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What do you think of this whole Brady-Gronk-Belichick thing?

“I don’t know. Think of something else to write about. I haven’t paid much attention to any of this… I just don’t feel witty, I guess.”

Do you think any bitterness they have will linger into the regular season?

“I don’t know, Travis.”

I was about to ask another question, when Mom offered an opinion on Tom Brady.

“I thought Brady looked stupid the other night (at the Met Gala). He looked like he’d been embalmed, with the way his hair was. But I guess it was a costume thing, so he looked normal.”

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I learned that unlike most fans in New England, Mom isn’t losing any sleep over David Price’s video game habits. Or Brad Marchand’s affronts to personal space and hygiene. Or the biggest hand-wringer of the past few months, the overblown Brady-Gronk-Belichick feud. She just goes about her life, worrying about the things she can control. That’s a lesson we can all take to heart this Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone, and thank you for being a good sport, Mom.

“If I think of anything in the next hour, I’ll call you.”

Note: She did not call back.

Travis Lazarczyk — 861-9242

tlazarczyk@centralmaine.com

Twitter: @TLazarczykMTM


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