This column basically started as a dare.

I was chatting with Bill Stewart, our sports editor here at the Morning Sentinel and Kennebec Journal, and jokingly, I suggested a column of limericks. If you’ve read my nonsense over the years, you know each spring, I bludgeon good poetry with a series of sports haiku.

When another column idea was put on hold, I suggested limericks, as a goof.

“Do it,” Bill said.

OK, it wasn’t actually a dare in the strictest sense. It was more of a friendly challenge. Who am I to turn down an editor’s request? I’m game. Like haiku, a limerick can be used to comment on an important issue of the day. Or in this case, tomfoolery and hopefully a chuckle or two.

Here’s another thing about limericks. They’re usually not rated PG. They’re usually not rated PG-13.

Bawdy. Blue. Off-color. Suggestive. Salacious. Risqué. Ribald. Indelicate. Dirty, OK? Limericks are usually dirty. If you asked a haiku to watch your house while you’re on vacation, you’d come home to find it cleaner than you left it. If you asked a limerick to house sit, you’d come home to a mess, and a stranger’s underwear draped over a lampshade.

You won’t find any of those limericks here. Unless you find 8-man football or Rob Gronkowski particularly cheeky.

Let’s get this nonsense over with.

 

Gronk

The tight end kept us all guessing

Leaving Pats fans everywhere stressing

Is Gronk gone or not?

Talk radio’s fraught

‘Til “no,”Gronk’s finally confessing

 

Red Sox GM search

First thing we need is some arms

Scour the minor league farms

So we do not forget

Xander, Devers, and Betts

Those bats full of so many charms

 

UMaine women’s basketball

There once was a team up in Maine

The coach has a very big brain

She draws up the plays

And puts fans in a craze

The best player, she hails from Spain

 

UMaine football

Recall last season’s success

Now, we must confess

To win here is hard

Fans let down their guard

Playoffs? Can’t hazard a guess

 

Class A Football

Eight teams with enrollments so high

Above others three of them fly

Five with no chance

At the gold ball to glance

Maine football releases a sigh

 

David Pastrnak

This scorer from Republic of Czech

Goalie confidence he seems to wreck

A flick of his wrist

Back of net is kissed

A gentle, goal-scoring peck

 

Boston Celtics

New faces are wearing the green

Fortune is tougher to glean

Will this team lose or win?

Is the depth much too thin?

In Portland, Taco is seen

 

MPA

Build bridges then burn them down

Schomaker pleads with the crown

You know you’ll get booed

But afraid you’ll get sued

No show at course check? Frown

 

Michael Bennett

A fight was had with a coach

Is that the wisest approach?

Playing time low

Frustrating, we know

Always a tough one to broach

 

8-man football

Traditionalists call it not real

Say it’s football missing the peel

When players start hitting

Critics are quitting

And football is played with some zeal

 

Travis Lazarczyk — 861-9242

tlazarczyk@centralmaine.com

Twitter: TLazarczykMTM

 

 

 

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