Thank you for your coverage of Melissa Sousa’s tragic death (“Candlelight vigil held for Waterville woman allegedly slain by boyfriend,” Oct. 27). We need to discuss domestic violence more often in more places. We especially need to talk about the verbal and psychological abuse which precedes physical violence, but is also devastating on its own.

As a social worker, I listen daily to women (and some men) describe how their partners have belittled, threatened, silenced, blamed and gaslighted them. They tell me they would rather experience physical abuse than emotional abuse as it is clearer what has happened with physical abuse. Psychological abuse distorts victims’ sense of reality, destroys their confidence and competence, and kills the spirit. Victims feel crazy, helpless, and completely depleted.

Even when victims can practically leave an abusive relationship, they often feel bound to their abuser by “pathological empathy,” or by their own confusion and shame. Perpetrators of psychological abuse can claim to be the victim, and can appear calm, charming, and reasonable to other community members. They are experts at manipulation. Victims may lose children, friends, family, homes or churches if they choose to leave.

Psychological abuse is a pervasive secret epidemic in our communities. It takes an immense toll on victims’ mental and physical health, social and work functioning, and ability to parent. It costs our communities greatly. We can do a better job in the media, schools, workplaces, and health care helping people identify abuse of all kinds and connecting with support resources.

We need to teach girls, boys, women and men about the shame and rage cycles that fuel domestic violence and abusive speech. It’s time to hold each other responsible for learning to calm reactivity, and to cope with feelings in healthier ways. There is no excuse for abuse. We have the power to end this pointless trauma and loss.

 

Rebecca Dorr

Winthrop

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