Stop whining. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not, so put on your mask and grown-up pants. You’re not ready to die and neither am I.

I survived mumps, measles, whooping cough, two winters in Korea, 50 years in show business and the 1998 ice storm, and I’m not ready to die.

I’m not ready to die because 5G IS COMING.

You don’t know about 5G? Ask your kids. Spectrum has been telling you about it for months. Stop counting those ballots and pay attention. The election is over. I think.

Stop crying. I didn’t know what a 5G was either, so I looked it up on Google.

A: 5G is the 5th generation (G-Generation. Get it?) mobile network. It is a new global wireless standard after 1G, 2G, 3G and 4G networks.

We thought we were happy with all of those, but it turns out we weren’t.

So the new technologists decided to wake us up with the “latest.”

I understand these guys, because I put my girls through school by working in the B.S. business, mostly by making commercials.

I made the first White Cloud toilet paper commercial, even though people in Alaska thought they were happy using the Sears catalog.

I talked you into buying a new deodorant even though you were happy with Ivory soap, and made you switch from Sanka to Folgers.

The new technologists are employing that kind of technique already.

DiGiorno Pizza felt a slight dip in sales, so they came up with “ORIGINAL SAUCE IS BACK.” Folks were happy with their new sauce, but some cranky old diners thought it was too spicy, so “Original Sauce” is back, even though it tastes the same as the new one.

It’s called show BUSINESS.

No. I’m not ready to take off my mask and inhale death, just when gas and wine prices are dropping.

Remember how I bragged about my iWatch? I was still wearing Timex with a glow in the dark face. My iWatch has eight faces, one with Mickey Mouse and one with Minnie.

I had been saving up to get this iWatch for three years .

Ms. D.J. Glazier, a superior “consultant” in the U.S. Cellular shop, told me flat out that it would cost me five hundred bucks and change. I didn’t have five Benjamin Franklins to spare. Back to the Timex.

Did I give up? No sir. When agents told me I was too pretty to make it in movies, did I get ugly? No sir. I just got prettier and kept going.

Same with my iWatch. I started saving bottles to take back to the store. I switched my nightly beer from cans to bottles to make more money.

I even  started picking through my neighbors’ trash cans for their old Jack Daniel’s bottles. She was so embarrassed she retired from teaching.

When LA daughters got wind of that, they bought me the iWatch for my birthday, and now Mickey and Minnie tell me what time it is.

OK. You’re on to me. You’ve known me for over 35 years. I can’t fool you. I make a lot of this stuff up just to hear you laugh.

I was sent here to make you laugh, so you could stop crying. That’s my job.

Do you hear those trumpets? The cavalry is coming. Pfizer and Moderna (not a law firm) are coming to the rescue.

Ninety-five percent successful? If I had scored 95% in school, I’d be a lawyer now.

Learn this from the movies. The cavalry always comes. No matter how many arrows in the air, no matter  how many horses have died, the cavalry always comes.

Now put on your mask.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.


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