CDC says, “6 feet may not be enough to protect against coronavirus …”
Hey, man, back off. I knew that before you people did, and I put it on the fridge.
Besides, I spent four years in the military. I’m really cool about obeying rules.
But you guys keep changing them. It’s so exhausting, man.
But first, I don’t go into stores. When I drive past them, I avert my eyes. I avoid human contact and I try to visualize all humans outside of my house as lepers. I still wave to passersby. It’s safe to wave to lepers. Jesus did. Sister Rossana said so.
Here are some new rules.
CDC, again says “factors such as crowd density, ventilation, face masks, and whether people are silent, speaking, shouting or singing should all be considered in assessing distance.”
J.P. and Kay Devine sporting their masks last summer. JP looks at the evolving rules of coronavirus. Stay your distance as if people are lepers. But it’s OK to wave to lepers; after all, Jesus did. Submitted photo
Silent people can infect you? That’s so Stephen King.
But everybody knows I’ve been good about this stuff. I’m cool with rules. But I’ve got writing to do to make money for beer and tamales. And I have a piano now, so I don’t have time to die.
Here’s the new stuff: “Fauci and Friends,” who said 6 feet was cool, are now saying, “Hold on, 6 feet is too close. Eight or 10 is better.”
Eight or 10? In other words: no tango classes or French kisses, or “you can come over to my house, but you must sit in the birch tree and wave”?
Crowd density: A no-brainer. “Crowd density?” I was never into that. So no more Disneyland, going to room-packed auditions, movie theaters, funerals, political rallies and shoving old ladies away from the best avocados in the market. I’m cool with that.
Ventilation: Always very important. I drive with the car windows down except at traffic lights. I sleep with windows wide open, and I have six fans blowing on the plumber when he’s fixing the toilet. Más importante!
Face masks: Major no-brainer. I own 25 different masks. And I know it’s crazy, but I even wear one when watching television events such as political conventions and award shows. (Always 6 feet from the set. Well, now 10.)
What would I do if I were to win an Oscar? I would have George Clooney accept it for me … or maybe Meryl Streep.
“Shouting or singing should all be considered in assessing distance.”
So, always sit in the balcony at the opera and learn sign language.
Put this column on your fridge. You’re welcome.
J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.
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