Sunday, March 14. Gas is up to $2.86, and JLo and A-Rod are breaking up. (We knew that love was too hot not to cool down.)

Wait: My Hollywood agent just tweeted: America’s famous lovers are back in couples’ therapy. Ain’t love grand?

My personal “She” is improving, and is on her 50th book. After a long winter in slippers, feeling has finally returned to my feet. Let’s move on.

J.P. Devine has spent the winter in his slippers keeping up with the news. Courtesy of J.P. Devine

THE FUN NEWS

President Biden, the man comedian Bill Maher calls “The Best Grandpa Ever,” is sending out $1,400 stimulus checks to everyone this weekend.

This extends to the unemployed Jan. 6 insurrectionists, much needed cash to post their bail and pay their lawyers. Will I gain? I don’t think so. I just got a residual check from Bob Newhart for $1.30 — from his show we shot over 40 years ago. That put me over the limit. Well, them’s the breaks.

THE NOT FUN NEWS

Tuesday, March 16. I will be sitting in Nora, my dental hygienist’s cubicle, for the first time since last April. Nora, I’m told, will be wearing a hazmat suit, helmet with visor, safety glasses and six pairs of gloves. I’ll be sitting there without mask with my mouth wide open. If you have prayers, say one for me.

Yes, it’s just a cleaning, but since last April? Will steel wool and Lysol be required?

PANDEMIC NEWS

I have finally signed up on MaineGeneral’s online list for my vaccination. I hope to get it in time for 4th of July, so I can run up and down Main Street with sparklers.

Just in case, I’m thinking about putting myself on the list to get it in Hannaford’s wine section, Walmart’s groceries and Aubuchon Hardware’s plumbing supply aisle.

Moses once said, I think, when he forgot to bring matches to the first night of Exodus cookout, “Always be prepared.”

THE CLOCKS!

Twelve clocks, plus 24 fresh batteries. This does not include the car’s clock. I didn’t change it last year and had the wrong time all year and nobody noticed. So it’s all set.

My iWatch and phone, plus the television clocks, are all automatically reset. That is so cool. I wish I could hook my clocks to that.

In the spirit of comity, I friended Ted Cruz on Facebook, so I could automatically send a wakeup message to his page each morning, alerting him to get out of bed and take Snowflake for her morning walk.

I got no reply. Maybe there are other Ted Cruzes out there. Do you think they all got the wakeup? Cuba must be full of Cruzes. Is Facebook allowed in Cuba yet?

Does anyone have Governor Cuomo’s number? I can’t find his page, alas.

I considered doing the same thing for President Joe as well, but his homepage must be locked. There must be someone in the West Wing who handles his homepage and messages, don’t you think?

I tried searching for all the other Joe Biden homesites. How many Joe Bidens are out there in America?

And that’s the news for this week.

Get ready to walk, Snowflake. He’s coming down now.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. 


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