I’m exhausted.

With Mainers celebrating the expected loosening of COVID-19 restrictions, the Clarion Call of the day is, “Lemme outa here, I can’t breathe with this crap on my face.”

Good old President Joe has said, “If you’re fully vaccinated, TAKE OFF THE MASKS!” I would never argue with a man who sends me money.

Yeah, I can feel the beat. But if there is gonna be a party, I got me some shopping to do.

I will need fresh Dover sole and wine at Trader Joe’s in Portland, paper plates and bamboo kebab spears at Target in Augusta, then back here to Walmart and TJ Maxx for fresh underwear and avocados. You can see where it’s impossible to do one-stop shopping.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. It turns out that not every business is on the same page with Dr. Fauci and the confusing CDC.

I discovered that Home Depot (where I get my plants), Target (where I get my skin lotion), and CVS (where I get her sympathy cards), aren’t ready to start up.

So to be politically safe, I wore my red mask to Home Depot and to Target to match their big red balls in front of the store. I’m covered. Yes?

But when I got to Walmart, where they have a great sale on underwear and Cheerios, I found I could leave the masks in the car. Whew!

Relieved, I stopped for my latte and banana bread at Starbucks, where CNN says the coffee giant has dropped the mask.

Not so fast. Starbucks tells me that they’re waiting for Gov. Mills to give the order on May 24.

So I dash back to grab one of my flowered masks — just to break the boredom.

My friends in Falmouth tell me that Gov. Mills has announced that beginning May 24 eateries can allow diners and drinkers who are “fully vaccinated” (defined as those who received a final vaccine dose at least two weeks prior) to eschew masks inside bars and restaurants.

So how do they prove who has had the double needle and who hasn’t? Show them the needle holes and the used Band-Aid?

Is this where the so-called honor system comes into play? Good luck with that.

OK, I confess: I’d like to be part of this parade, so gimme me one of those shiny 76 trombones, and call me when it starts.

Just in case it all goes well, anybody wanna buy 37 used masks? All colors and some floral?

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. 

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