This is a public service notice for central Maine only, the snobs in Portland are on their own. They post their notices on the billboard at Trader Joes, in case you’re interested.

Here, you have only Amy Calder and myself to protect you, so pay attention.

Breaking News: The Russians are coming.

No, it’s not the 1966 movie. They’re really coming. Not to central Maine, of course, but to Ukraine. So should we alert our Ukrainian friends?

Where do we start? What do Ukrainians look like? Actually, from those I’ve seen being interviewed by NBC’s Richard Engel, they look pretty much like people at the bar in the Liberal Cup in Hallowell, Colby professors, or folks waiting in line at Starbucks. What a dilemma.

But, just in case the Russians swallow Ukraine and the rest of Europe, what’s to keep them from parachuting into the U.S? And then what?

That’s right. Chicago’s next. Don’t worry, they won’t invade Waterville. In February, Waterville looks too much like Russia.

But why is Chicago being watched by our FBI?

Just for fun, I did some research, and guess what? According to Google, “The 100,000 Ukrainian Americans living in the Chicago area are spread across the city and its suburbs. About 10,000 of them live in an area called Ukrainian Village, which, with its brown-brick buildings and snow-flanked streets, resembles Kyiv in the winter.”

I’m sure we have Ukrainians in Maine. My doctor looks a little Ukrainian, I’m just saying.

I know of a fellow in Bangor and he looks exactly like a Ukrainian Matt Damon.

Nonsense aside, I’m more concerned about omicron than the Russians at the moment, and certainly about our President Joe Biden. I keep seeing Joe walking around in public, shaking hands and hugging, without his N95, and coughing and squinting on camera.

You hear that little cough he has when he’s on camera? I have that little cough. It’s worrisome, because everytime we cough, from dust or swallowing too many Rice Krispies at the same time, we immediately think we’ve got omicron, right?

We know well that Joe (I’m Irish, and we can call him Joe) is, as my mother would say, “gettin’ on.”

And like most Democrats these days, he’s elderly, extremely elderly, and lemme tell you, I know a little about the elderly. In fact, I will eventually be elderly myself, and that includes She, who has let her hair go silver.

Lately, since Joe’s alleged ankle injury, he’s been limping and shuffling around the Rose Garden. Now, that may be OK for the gardener, the sous chef in the kitchen, or even Charlie Grassley, the Republican from Iowa. But presidents should not be coughing or limping.

Speaking of Ukrainians, how about that gardener and sous chef in the White House? Shouldn’t Joe hide them in the wine cellar?

And think about it. Have you looked at Charlie Grassley up close? Oh boy! Grassley has very definite Ukrainian features. I’m emailing Charlie today. If you have Ukrainian friends, call them now.

This has been a public service bulletin. You’re welcome.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. 

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