Breaking news: This is getting personal.

With rumors of World War III gaining traction, I have dumped my plans to direct and shoot a new “Dr. Zhivago,” featuring scenes shot up on Sen. Collins’ hometown landscapes, especially since the senator has refused to recreate the role of Lara. And Ted Cruz wants more lines if he plays Yuri Zhivago.

These are hard times for an old movie-maker.

Meanwhile, I’m busy cleaning out the bunker in my basement. I really have one.

I want to be respectful when talking about President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. This guy is an ex-actor and stand up comic — my old jobs. We’re professionals who have spent our young lives dealing with agents and cut throat comedy store owners, living on beans and Big Macs for years.

But things can go one of two ways. Look at us now. He’s president of Ukraine, and I’m typing on an old MacBook Air in Waterville.

Don’t count us old stand-up comics out, especially when we’re cornered. Trust me.

Nuclear war? In Maine, we can’t even figure out how to control the return of the caterpillar moths in central Maine, or get anybody up in Sen. Collins’ county to start getting vaccinated.

Full of patriotic fever, I composed an email to President Biden’s National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan, offering my Korean war experience as an Air Force typist.

But She put down her book, walked over to my laptop and hit DELETE. I didn’t know she knew how to do that.

Serious time. The big word of the day is ol·i·garch, pronounced O-la-gark.

By now, you know that an oligarch is a really, really rich business leader with a great deal of political influence with Vladimir Putin. I mean these dudes are loaded. They have mansions in Greece, Paris and Manhattan. You have a rental cabin in The Forks.

Oligarchs don’t just own entire blocks in New York City. They’re in Las Vegas, Hollywood, and may well be the power boys who talked Tom Brady into rejoining the Bucs. Tom may even be one of them.

These aren’t just investments. Their wives and mistresses shop here. Their sons and daughters go to school in the U.S and all over Europe. These fellas make Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk look like Starbucks’ baristas.

I won’t list their names, because I can’t pronounce them. But Putin made them super rich, and he listens to them. They own half the universe, and they’re scared and they’re probably on the phone to Vladimir right now.

“Vlad, it’s Oleg. You’re kidding, right? Nuclear war? You wanna blow up New York? You know we own 600 bodegas in the Bronx, six theaters, and did I mention the Russian Tea Room? Vlad, get serious. You take McDonald’s and Pepsi out of Moscow, you’re left with Borscht and warm coats. And don’t get me started on Starbucks.

“Mr. President, my daughter is dating a movie star, my son is in film school in L.A., and my mistress is in dental school in Scranton. Work it out. This ain’t funny, Vladimir. Work it out, comrade. Work it out.”

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. 

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