Oh Lord, that old stuff is back, and I’m not ready.
She, who reads way too much, says, “We make New Year’s resolutions because we’re resolving to improve our lives.” Where does she get that stuff?
Yes, it sounds cool … if you’re 10.
Then I made the mistake of taking one of her surveys online, one that offered suggestions for senior citizens, for which I barely qualify.
1. NEVER REVEAL YOUR TRUE AGE
Well, I already broke that one. I only act 43 to impress attractive checkout clerks.
It doesn’t work, especially when they ask to see your license to buy beer. True story. It was early in the day. She laughed, but I played along.
I told her that I was buying the nonalcoholic beer like Beck’s or Heineken 0.0 for my mother, who had a drinking problem. Humor doesn’t always work.
2. LOSE WEIGHT
Gimme a break. I have already lost 20 pounds this past year by skipping all of those sugary expensive Starbucks pastries. Now, I only choose Peach Tranquility tea and bring along a bag of oyster crackers from home. Done.
3. LEARN A NEW SKILL
Well, that’s not as easy as it sounds. I tried that last year when my daughters bought me, for my birthday, a new Apple laptop, iWatch and iPhone.
The apple.com or somebody named “Apple” updated my entire system, and the next morning everything looked like Hunter Biden’s old computer.
4. GET ORGANIZED
OMG! Gimme a break. Everyone knows how very organized I am, in fact, I’m old-school obsessive compulsive. Ask my doctor. What do you mean he’s in Spain?
Then, four COVID years ago, my younger bride’s knees and hands worsened. That meant I was compelled to stack the towels in the towel closet, by size and color. Obsessive.
Then I ordered a batch of new towels from Garnet Hill in my favorite color, navy blue. OK, I’m fussy. I take after my mother. So sue me.
Even that got complicated. She likes peach, which you can only get from Macy’s. I got her two. This means I have to launder one almost every day.
5. USE ALL YOUR SENIOR DISCOUNT CARDS
I ignore this because it adds a mess of new colored cards to my wallet. You know that little old lady at the head of the line who sorts through those cards? It makes me wonder, why do the elderly still write checks?
6. MAKE NEW FRIENDS AND SPEND TIME WITH OLD ONES
Have you tried making new friends while wearing a mask? They think you’ve already got COVID. Before long they cross the street when they see you coming. Hello! It’s still here.
I do try. Yesterday I tried to help the laborers pick up and sort the 680 pieces of my neighbor’s trees that have fallen in my yard during the historic windstorm of 2023.
They asked how old I was, then laughed and told me to go sit in one of their trucks where it was warmer.
7. LEARN NEW TECHNOLOGY
That was covered in item 3, wasn’t it?
I would write more interesting stuff, but the tree guys have locked the truck door.
I’ve tried to get their attention, but the window keeps frosting up.
More storms coming.
J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.
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