Jan. 13, 2024.

Wow! What a bad day to run out of stuff like Particle Face Cream for men. I knew I should have put it on my Christmas “must-have” gift list.

You may laugh, but face cream for men really erases “eye bags, dark spots and wrinkles,” just as it says.

No one wants those things, especially the somewhat successful older men like myself, Rupert Murdoch and Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, who are trying to maintain a pleasant and sexy image in the hard business world.

These afflictions are the unavoidable signs of aging, and I know all about aging and the hectic lifestyle of a successful newspaper writer.

Lack of sleep can further aggravate these issues, making you look older and more tired. Who wants that, for pity’s sake?

Aging creams and other products offer all-day hydration.

Stress? Are you kidding? I have three deadlines a week for this paper. First, the film reviews have to be in by Tuesday at the latest.

Then there is the Sunday column, you older folks — who survived the heavy snowfall that is still covering my lawn from the big tree toppling drama that ended the years of 2023 — know all about.

I know too, that you are counting on me to relive your stress.

And finally, the weekly Podcast you are addicted to to get you through Sunday, the dullest day of the week when the important items like my witty words gives way to wall to wall sports you can no longer play. I feel your pain. I miss my days on the court and ball fields.

In my young days in Hollywood I supported my family making commercial spots you remember, like Folger’s Instant Coffee and White Cloud Toilet tissue. Remember me? Wasn’t I great?

We all did those in the old days, with other actors to add to our resumes. That’s why I’m so good at BS.

I talked you into buying stuff you didn’t need, like new lawnmowers, Keurig coffee machines, even when you were happy with the one you had. I changed your coffee tastes and got you spending money for new sneakers when your kids were running out of milk.

Sure, it was a con game, but I had kids, too, and they had to eat. Nobody had it easy. You don’t remember me, I know. I was young and handsome with black hair and smooth, youthful skin.

These were tips I learned about from cute makeup girls.

This was, of course, before She, who came along later, and fell in love with me because I had good skin with no wrinkles and great hair due to using Brylcreem and Vitalis. See? It still works.

Well, it’s 9:30 a.m., and it’s snowing and blowing out there, and appears to be getting worse by the minute.

I’ve checked the fridge and can see I’ve got plenty of eggs and SILK Chocolate Almond milk. Regular milk is bad for the skin.

The snow is getting worse, and She is still asleep. I wake up early, because I know you count on me. Have a nice day.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. 

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