The earth just experienced the hottest 12-month period on record, but there is nothing that instills more fear than purple sequins and red lipstick — or at least that’s what I hear.
You see, the right-wing rumor mill has been on fire that today’s Super Bowl is rigged. Singer Taylor Swift and Kansas City Chiefs’ tight end Travis Kelce are reportedly part of a carefully manufactured scheme to rig the Super Bowl to garner support for Joe Biden. Even former presidential candidate and VP wannabe Vivek Ramaswamy has fanned the flames on social media speculating about the couple’s endorsement of Biden.
And after months of listening to lots of Swift music, carefully studying the couple’s moves, watching football games and spy movies, and listening to Kelce-brother podcasts, it’s clear people on the right are justly concerned about it being “Taylor-ized”: No more love songs — Super Bowl LVIII is politically rigged!
It’s important to disclose my bias upfront. I thought I was a “Swiftie” who adores Swift and her music, but apparently, I’m not. My 17-year-old son gave me a test a few days ago that he found online. While he seemed thoroughly concerned by how many lyrics I could correctly match to her songs, I promise you, I didn’t score the necessary 22 out of 30 to achieve superfan “Swiftie” status. (I presume those who do, get official “Swiftie” embossed cards sent via snail mail. Or does one need to undergo a rigorous initiation process involving a clandestine meeting with the Swiftie Council and a solemn oath sworn upon a copy of “Fearless”?)
I did, however, watch her documentary, “Miss Americana,” when I had COVID, but I swear it was to take a break from all those spy movies I binged.
“Miss Americana” proved to help form my opinion about the Super Bowl. Swift probably concocted all of this years ago. After all, in the film, she talks about using her platform to influence politics.
Fast forward to 2023, one cannot help but ponder the curious intersection of football fervor and pop diva devotion. We all know that only men watch football. How can we encourage a younger female demographic? Didn’t the older Kelce brother have a crush on Swift? What about the Kelce brothers’ wildly popular podcast? (Hey, did anyone catch they have an intern named “Brandon”?!) Does anyone know what their vaccination status is? Think about the “blue wave” possibilities!
The rest was just logistics, folks. The 49ers had to stop the miracle Lions on their path to the Super Bowl because how else could we prevent Eminem from taking over the half-time show instead of Swift? People were sick of the Eagles and their “tush push” yardage plunge into the end zone anyway. Sure, others do it too, but they do it most successfully. Let’s get them out of the way, and Jason can support his Bro-Bro and “Tay” come Super Bowl time. And who could predict Jason’s improv work with the bare belly dancing and beer-guzzling a few weeks ago? That surely got all unregistered 17- to 24-year old males to finally turn Dem. It was genius.
But have you heard what is to unfold at the main event? At the Super Bowl itself? As the Kansas City Chiefs take to the field with their formidable offense and impenetrable defense, one will not help but marvel at the strategic brilliance of Coach Reid’s playbook. We know that Mahomes’s aerial assault will pierce the defense like a swift arrow, and the 49ers’ ground game has to come to a screeching halt.
But wait, what’s this? A sudden commotion in the sky, a flutter of parachutes descending from above. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s none other than President Joe Biden himself, swooping down like a political superhero to stop musical sensation Usher in his tracks making a surprise appearance at halftime. Sporting his signature aviators, with a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face (alongside Swift, who had parachuted already earlier following her trans-Pacific flight from her concerts in Japan) Biden will take to the stage to announce Travis Kelce as his running mate in the presidential election.
As the final whistle blows and the confetti rains down upon the field, Kelce, victoriously and majestically takes a knee before his sweet “Tay,” ring in hand and heart aflutter. With a tear in her eye and a smile on her lips, she accepts his proposal, sealing their union with a kiss. This spectacle closes with 65,000 spectators in Las Vegas, her NFL “Swifties,” and billions of minions around the globe in front of their TVs belting the chorus of Taylor Swift’s new single “Vote Blue, or Else.”
Oh, MAGA, look what you made me do.
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