“Sometimes all women need is for good men to get out of their way.”

I said this to a male friend years ago and every now and then I stew about it. It’s not that I regret saying it. I regret that he didn’t understand the meaning.

Looking back, I can’t remember the context. I think I was expressing frustration about working really hard to earn the proverbial “seat at the table” on various things, only to have some men swoop in and take over though they hadn’t done any of the leg work. It wasn’t that the men were misogynistic or sexist. They were “good guys” oblivious to the efforts of women around them. I hoped to illustrate the unique challenges women face and stress that if men wanted to be allies, they may need to step aside and make room for women.

At the time, I thought my friend understood my point. At least a year later, I received an email from him asking about my appointment to our municipal planning board. He too had hoped to serve on it but hadn’t been appointed. He wondered if I had made the “gender issue salient” during my interview. I read the email in disbelief and then attempted to explain why I had earned my seat on the board.

I had been serving for over a year and realized four positions had been filled: two by men and two by women. I was one of them. But my friend focused on me. His email implied he should have been appointed and he apparently didn’t see me as having any qualifications to serve other than my gender. Yet he knew I had run for state office, had previously been elected to serve on on a local commission, had been active in local politics, and had therefore gained significant visibility within my community. Together these things made me a strong candidate regardless of my gender. It was a bonus that I would add diversity to the board, but I brought so much more than my gender.

I was offended by the insinuation that I would use my gender to persuade anyone to appoint me. And I was angry that my friend wasn’t bothered by a man being appointed. He clearly didn’t question his own qualifications, only mine and those of the other newly appointed woman. I therefore inferred, from his estimation, that the male was rightly appointed but the women weren’t. Moreover, apparently, I had to go behind closed doors to make it happen.

Our exchange went back and forth, and I became increasingly frustrated. My first instinct was to try and assuage him (though I resisted doing so). I was the one who should be angry. There weren’t even any required qualifications for candidates to serve on the planning board. Yet my qualifications were being questioned, and I had to defend myself.

But I’m not defending myself. And I’m not telling this story to air dirty laundry. Rather I tell it because it demonstrates how men — even those who sincerely desire to be allies to women (and I believe at heart he does) — can carry unconscious bias and perpetuate gender inequality. All men, even the best of them, need to be willing to recognize that unconscious bias is just that — unconscious. When women raise issues of bias with men, the common response of “I have a wife/daughter/sister” is well-intentioned but it cannot replace genuine empathy and awareness. Instead, it often comes off as dismissive.

When I tried to broach my concerns about gender bias with my friend, the exchange became even more strained. I knew then to swallow my feelings and “walk away.” I shouldn’t have. This wasn’t the first time a man had questioned me about my qualifications — women get this all the time. However, women are taught to be quiet and polite, even in the face of prejudice. But when we fail to speak up it can hurt us both personally and professionally. It contributes to a sense of powerlessness which impacts our self-esteem and mental health, and it can even prevent us from advancing in our careers.

Let this month, National Women’s History, be a call for all good men to step up. They need to stop questioning our presence, our abilities, and our experiences. We need men to believe us when we tell them the playing field isn’t level but we’re still ready to play. Just scooch over and make room for us. And yes, sometimes, step aside. And if they don’t understand what that means, they can start by listening without being defensive. Then they can educate themselves on issues like unconscious bias, and gender inequality, and challenge these biases in themselves. So, they can use their privilege to amplify women’s voices and issues.

In other words, it’s time for men to “woman up.”

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