Dear Harlan,

Why is it considered cool if a guy is not a virgin, but when a girl is not a virgin, she’s considered a slut? It doesn’t seem fair to me.

Not a Slut

Dear Not a Slut,

It’s not fair. It’s wrong. And it’s not true. Be patient. This will all soon change. As you get older, guys who sleep around won’t be considered cool, they’re just considered disgusting. And girls who lose their virginity won’t be considered sluts. They’re sometimes called “cougars.” The younger the people having sex, the more likely they are to label each other’s behavior.

And yes, it’s more hurtful to call a girl in school a slut than it is to call a guy a “manwhore.” But it’s just name-calling. People who call other people names are just insecure, hurt or jealous. Using the word slut is intended to make someone feel like less so the person doing the name-calling can feel like more. So really, people who use the term slut are just insecure virgins or sluts who are trying to feel like more by making some other person feel like less.

Sad, don’t you think?

Dear Harlan,

I just read the letter from the college student contemplating a long-distance relationship and wanted to share my story. Hopefully, I’m not too late.

I started dating my boyfriend in March 2001. We met when I was a senior in high school and he was a freshman in college at the University of Minnesota. A month and a half before we started dating, I had enrolled at a university 120 miles away from him. That fall, we started a long-distance relationship nine months out of the year for the next four years. Neither of us had cars until our senior years, so we relied on college friends to give us rides as frequently as we could. We had winter, spring and summer breaks to spend together back in the Twin Cities.

It wasn’t easy being apart from each other, but seeing each other after a long time apart always felt REALLY good. We talked on the phone almost every day and sent e-mails back and forth several times a day. I had my college friends and he had his; we had our own separate lives as well as our lives together.

I graduated May 14, 2005, and Bob proposed to me on a beach in Florida 11 days later. We got married the next year and will be expecting our first child Dec. 25. My best advice for “Graduating” is that relationships take work. You will have to work to maintain the relationship with her, and she will have to work to maintain the relationship with you. If either of you ever decide you’ve done enough and the other person isn’t doing anything, the relationship is doomed. Keep communication lines open and always, always put the effort into the relationship. It is worth it! LDRs can work! We are proof!

Proof of a Successful LDR

Dear Successful LDR,

I’ve never heard someone who had a successful long-distance relationship begin with “It’s the easiest thing I ever did.” Thanks for sharing a happy story about how it can work. Clearly it takes work. It takes two people who can be happy independent of one another to be happy together. The bottom line — it takes work.

Harlan is the author of “The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parent’s Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child)” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at [email protected] or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.