Dear Harlan,

How upfront can a girl be when asking a guy out on a date or to hang out? Are we supposed to wait for him to ask us out?

Asking

Dear Asking,

A woman who knows what she wants can be very attractive. A man who doesn’t want to be wanted isn’t worth having. For those women who are skeptical, I’ve spoken to thousands of men, and almost all of them find it very attractive to be approached. When you do your approaching, make it clear that you want a date. Don’t just say you want to hang out. Hanging out is a way of hiding your feelings (and the possible rejection that comes with the suggestion of a date). Make it clear that you want to hang out and go on a date. Make it clear at least two times (the first time might not register). If a guy is into you, then he will go after you. If not, move on. Your goal should be simple — clear a path so if a man wants you, he knows he will not get rejected if he goes after you. If he doesn’t react or ask you out, then move on to the next man.

Dear Harlan,

My three roommates and I have been talking a lot about one of our best friends. He has a girlfriend and they just had their one-year anniversary. Since he started dating this girl, he basically dropped off the face of the Earth. I can honestly say I know little to nothing about him anymore. He spends 100 percent of his time with this girl without fail and she does the same. They seem happy (I suppose I wouldn’t really know though), as they spend every waking moment together (and when they aren’t together, they text/call constantly). I can’t imagine it’s healthy to spend so much time with one person, even if those two people are in love and happy together. All of us at different times have said to him that it frustrates us that he is (I hesitate to say, “was”) one of our best friends and a guy we would do anything for. It doesn’t seem to resonate at all with him, as he still never hangs out with us. My fear is that he will break up with this girl (we are only sophomores in college) and when he turns to his “corner” for support, we won’t be there in the same way we were when we pledged a fraternity together. I’m just curious what you would say to us or to him.

Friend in the Dark

Dear Friend,

I know this friendship sucks and it’s totally one-sided (or nonexistent), but he might be happy. Infatuation can make a guy forget his friends. Appreciate that she can give him something you can’t. Once you stop feeling hurt, talk to him. Instead of telling him what he’s doing wrong, find out if there’s really something wrong. Find out if he’s happy. He might have other friends. He might love his life with her. Instead of shutting him out, take an interest in his girlfriend and his life. Invite him and his girlfriend to go out. Include her. Tell him you miss hanging out. And avoid judging him for being infatuated. As for what I’d tell him — “I miss hanging out with you. Let’s go on a double date. Let’s hang out.” And then give him room to do whatever he wants. When it goes bad, he’ll need you. Hopefully you’ll still be there for him.

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at [email protected] or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author.