Dear Harlan,

I disagree with your advice last week to someone who suggested that accidentally meeting someone to date was better than making deliberate efforts to meet people. You said it would work out better if you had control over the process. You can’t control who you meet and whether or not he or she likes you back. The way to live the single life is to do things you enjoy rather than doing things where you might meet someone. If you like sports, play in a sports league. Maybe you will meet someone, maybe not, but you will have fun either way. No matter what you like to do, just do it, and you are likely to “accidentally” meet someone with similar interests and values. This is far superior to going out to a bar or party.

Having Fun

Dear Having Fun,

Tell the thousands of married couples who have fallen in love at office parties and bars that your approach is superior. I agree, doing things you love to do is one of the best ways to meet people who have similar interests and values, but it’s not an accident. While we can’t control when we find love, we can control how we find it. The problem relying solely on it happening by chance is that chance meetings aren’t regular occurrences. There’s nothing wrong with going after love online, via setups, and at parties and bars. It just takes opening yourself up to possible rejection. Your problem with my advice might have more to do with your own fears.

Dear Harlan,

A few months ago, I hooked up with an acquaintance from high school. Prior to this night, I knew him through his sisters, but never had a conversation with him. He is known as the sweetest, most charming, athletic guy in our class. He had the total package, and all girls wanted a piece of him. Everything felt fine after we hooked up – nothing awkward. Three days later, I decided to text him and ask if I forgot my sweater at his dorm (we are in college). All he said was that he looked around but didn’t find it. I had to initiate every conversation. So that makes me think he’s not interested. He’s also known to be very shy. At the same time, I caught him looking at me the other day, when I saw him at a football game. I want to talk to him, but at the same time I’m way too afraid. I don’t know him that well, and don’t want to say something that could prevent something from happening in the future. I just can’t seem to find a comfortable solution.

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,

Yes, it’s uncomfortable to hook up with someone you can’t talk to. Give him permission to want you (or not want you). Then approach him as comfortably uncomfortably as possible. Tell him something like, “I never wanted to make you uncomfortable, but wanted to clear something up that’s been on my mind. Did I say or do something to make you uncomfortable the night we hung out, because I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable?” Then tell him, “I’d go out again some time if you’re interested.” The worst thing that will happen is that he won’t be interested. If this makes you too uncomfortable, don’t worry about the future, because there isn’t one with him.