“I Don’t Want to Play in Your Yard, I Don’t Like You Anymore.”

— A song with music by Henry W. Petrie and lyrics by Philip Wingate

Wow, that could have been the theme song for the entire Republican primary debacle, don’t you think?

The survivor of that romp, Donald Trump, is so giddy with his success so far that his team is scouting teammates.

Sen. Tom Coburn, of Oklahoma, looks interested; and a lot of folks are thinking Gov. Nikki Haley, of South Carolina, but she put a bullet in that, saying South Carolina needs her now.

I’ll tell you who’s all of a sudden showing interest in playing in The Donald’s yard: none other than Texas’ own Rick Perry, who just said he “will absolutely consider being Trump’s VP.”


This is the same Rick Perry who said Donald Trump “is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded.” Well, hallelujah, the operation was successful, and now Perry feels that Donald is cancer-free. Political ACA in action.

Top-of-the-ticket Trump tells us “there’s a 40 percent chance I’d pick my VP from former GOP rivals.” Say what?

You mean to tell me that “Lyin’ Ted Cruz” or “Little Marco” could actually use the same restroom in the West Wing with the man who besmirched their reputation in the debates, but Caitlyn Jenner can’t? Doesn’t sound fair.

It is official now that Dr. Ben Carson has excused himself from any consideration for the job, as if Trump would risk troubling Jeff Sessions by running with a black man, even one as banal and beatific as Carson.

I don’t think any of the above would be as much fun as the guy whose yard they’re never gonna play in again. Trump owns his sitcom and the laugh track, and he’s not gonna share it with the human debris from the debates. But the smart ones are hanging back, because the dirty little secret is nobody wants to be the purser on the Titanic.

I like the gossip about a third party for the GOP. That could throw some real fun contenders into the pot — two, actually — an exciting team that probably couldn’t win but would supply us with a summer of fun.


If we could space-time walk, I’d love to pick Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy for them, or Abbott and Costello. Imagine those teams walking up to the nervous little Reince Priebus and saying, “Put us in, coach.”

Maybe Bob Hope and Bing Crosby? They were both fun guys, and very Republican, who played golf all the time. Imagine following that team around one of Trump’s grand courses. Even if it failed, they could make another of their timeless comedies like “Road to The White House,” in color with Dorothy Lamour and Gloria DeHaven as first ladies.

The danger is the GOP would lose the few kids they have, Trump’s backcountry kids wouldn’t know who the blazes those old stars were.

On the exciting side, are the rumors true that Democrats aren’t happy with Bernie or Hillary picking at one another and becoming weak targets for Trump’s acid tongue? Are secret dissidents considering a third party? OMG! First, they’d have to pick a team that would bring in Bernie’s youth vote: Captain Kirk and Spock? (You think they made fun of Obama’s ears?)

If only Batman and Superman of “Dawn of Justice” could put their egos and rubber suits aside and realize that together they could be a viable youth-oriented substitute for those two senior front-runners.

The most fun in the election show would be that team from “Suicide Squad”: Will Smith’s Deadshot and Joel Kinnaman’s Rick Flag. Too soon for another black president? OK, Hardy as president, Smith as best friend?

Could the deep left kiddies go for a stunner, and give Hillary some headaches? For an all-woman team they could snatch Amy Adams’ Lois Lane and Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman from “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.” I think my older readers are thinking that I’ve been sitting out here in the spring sun inhaling allergy medicine with Stella Artois chasers. Time to go in and watch Trump on MSNBC dump on Bill Clinton’s foibles again. Lord, I miss Kennedy vs. Nixon. The mud was so much cleaner.

J.P. Devine is a former Hollywood stand up comic sitting down in Waterville, Maine writing his memoir “A Life in Pieces.”

Only subscribers are eligible to post comments. Please subscribe or login first for digital access. Here’s why.

Use the form below to reset your password. When you've submitted your account email, we will send an email with a reset code.

filed under: