POW! SMACK! CRACK! SUCK! STAB! WHAM! SPIT!

That’s the sound track.

“OH MY GOD! HELP! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” dialogue.

“WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!”

That was from two old ladies in the back row of the theater.

BREAKING NEWS!

This CGI invented island, is, on the screen, about the size of the three states Hillary lost combined. The writers tell us that in 1975 as the Vietnam war is ending, a weird bureaucrat (a wasted John Goodman) puts together a team to chart the island. A back up combat team is pulled out of the line in Vietnam, and led by a serious, Hawkish colonel (a wasted Samuel L. Jackson.) We meet a sexy adventurer, (a wasted Tom Hiddleston) a sexy Time Life photographer, (a severely wasted Brie Larson) and what appears to be a handful of pencil pushers and wholesome, sexy, handsome aides de camp.

The group, numbering by my count to be about 600, tells us that all but the four major stars are going to die violent, horrible, grotesque deaths.

To borrow from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s 1875 poem: “The Charge of the Light Brigade,” “Boldly they rode and well, Into the jaws of Death, Into the mouth of hell Rode the six hundred.”

Now imagine that scene in 1975 terms: Picture dozens of helicopters, left over from Francis Coppola’s “Apocalypse Now,” full of young, handsome soldiers head into a mysterious cloud full of crackling lighting, to get to the island, and you’ve got it.

Cut to the island landing zone. There are insects here that immediately begin to inhale a third of the cast, masticate and regurgitate the remains in front of those it doesn’t catch. But the biggest jaws belong to: Cue snare drum roll. KONG!

That’s right, who doesn’t remember Merian C. Cooper’s 1933 Kong? I’ll tell you who, the teen audience this movie was made for.

Close up on Kong who seemingly was once Tarzan’s chimp “Cheetah,” but got radiated in those damn atomic tests, is the new, all improved Kong, taller than Trump Tower by 7,500 feet. It’s the biggest Kong ever seen, splendidly hirsute, with fabulous physique, but strangely not anatomically correct. To quote Gertrude Stein, “There is no there there.” This accounts for the PG-13 rating, and the reason Kong is so nasty to everyone.

The new Kong, you fans will be happy to learn, still has a hankering for blondes, but only girl blondes, because the guy with her is blonde as well. No rainbow in this sunset.

For you popcorners, I will not give away another moment, but I will stun you by listing the cast:

Tom Hiddleston (“The Avengers”) and who was groomed to be the next James Bond.

Oscar winner Brie Larson (Best Actress: “Room”)

John Goodman (“The Big Lebowski”) and Golden Globe winner for “Roseanne.”

And the great and ubiquitous Samuel L. Jackson (“Captain America: The First Avenger” and everything else).

There will be no acting, writing or directing awards. But it will without a doubt be nominated and may win for the best special effects, cinematography, sound, costumes, makeup, editing and visual effects.

Bottom line, “Skull Island” is a silly, moronic waste of time that has however, contributed to the enormous wealth of the afore mentioned greedy actors, who are unworthy of this and should be working with the Coen Brothers on something decent.

No dogs or horses were harmed in the making of this film, and Julia Roberts never appears.

J.P. Devine is a former stage and screen actor.