Breaking news: POTUS 45 tweeted from the Oval Office the formation of his new committee to select from this nation and others the very best designs for his signature achievement in office, the Great Wall along the southern border, eliminating once and for all “La Scourge Mexicano (his words and spelling) that has plagued this nation for centuries.”

Submissions have come from all over America — the West, the Far West, the Troublesome West (Hollywood), the South, the Deep South, and the Complicated Ethnic South that covers the Jewish, Cuban, Puerto Rican and Hemingway aficionados on the Florida keys known as “Conchas.”

Thanks to Paul Manafort, POTUS 45 also has accepted wall ideas from Russia, China and the transgendered art students of Tibet.

I am personally most excited about Hollywood’s ideas for the use of the wall, as offered by Steven Spielberg.

The original designs had been offered by Harvey Weinstein, but after a quick shareholders’ committee meeting, Harvey’s idea, a huge photo montage of Hugh Hefner’s complete collection of 100 years of playmates of the month, each 15 feet high and spread from San Diego to the Gulf of Mexico, was abandoned.

Spielberg’s idea seems to resonate with POTUS 45:

The wall, over 2,000 miles of 60-foot-high white stucco walls, would be used as movie screens where each night decades of great films would be projected, including Turner Classic Films and the entire oeuvre of Mr. Spielberg himself.

During the day, the white stucco walls would be used as handball courts for the privileged residents on the gringo side of the border. Bravo, Steven.

As for the Mexican side, little thought was given, but the Mexican film industry has considered using its blank side for the same purpose, featuring Latin films starring Katy Jurado, comedian Cantinflas, Dolores del Rio, Salma Hayek, Ricardo Montalban and Santana.

The Mexican film studios also would provide traveling food trucks that would move along the border daily.

This idea, by the way, was immediately picked up by Mr. Spielberg and world famous Spanish chef José Ramón Andrés Puerta.

China rushed through its idea: a 2,000-mile replica of its Great Wall that would have Apple iPhone shops and battery charging stations interspersed along the way on both sides.

Russia took a more retrograde, downer view of POTUS 45’s wall idea by sending full-scale video displays of its plan. The wall, in its view, would portray a more authoritarian “gulag” facade. Russia’s wall would be 30 feet high, consisting of a cyclone fence body with razor-wire topping and watchtowers every 50 feet. Russia’s idea of adding recordings of barking and snarling dogs and land mines was challenged by the one Democratic member of the committee who was allowed to vote.

No refreshment stands were considered.

A novel and more economical idea was offered by the Arizona State Border Wall Concession Co., headed up by former Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who would not be above suggesting 2,000 miles of giant cacti closely bonded together with borders of Vietnamese razor grass.

Sheriff Arpaio would surely love the floodlights and snarling dogs audiotapes offered by Russia.

Whichever idea is chosen, the wall will require, according to some estimates, over 40,000 workers. With Mexico’s unemployment at a historic low, one wonders who will dig the ditches and erect the towering steel monument envisioned by the former businessman. One wonders, where would the workforce come from?

“Are there no prisons?” Dickens’ Ebenezer Scrooge famously asked. “And the Union workhouses?”

POTUS and crew might ask, “Are there no more prison work camps? What happened to the chain gangs of thirties’ movie lore? Surely this administration can come up with a couple hundred Cool Hand Lukes, complete with “walkin’ bosses” and shotgun guards on horseback.

Those of us up here in Maine can look forward to higher prices in the market, as the fruit and vegetable crops along the border and deep into the United States rot in the fields. Thanks for listening.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.

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