Oh, we got trouble. Right here in Skowhegan. With a capital “T.” And that rhymes with “B.”

And that stands for “butts.”

Yes, I took some liberty with The Music Man. But this is no joke.

At the Board of Selectmen meeting in Skowhegan last week, a selectman raised a safety concern from an elderly resident: buttocks on bikes. It seems a “guy in leotards” (with a “helmet and everything”) was biking up a hill. The resident, unable to pass, was traumatized by the sight of the man in his “Spider-Man” outfit. The flapping of Spidey’s backside traumatized him so much, he almost needed to go into “therapy.” The selectman reported still needing to help “coach him back to normalcy.”

Reeling from his trauma, the resident asked if Skowhegan could pass an ordinance to have men wear a “flap … like the Indians used to.” Adding fuel to the fire, the resident said he paid between $4,000-$5,000 in taxes but was sure Spidey wasn’t paying anything. The chair of the board said he’d raise the discussion of an ordinance with the Planning Board.

Before I postulate further on this posterior problem, I should disclose possible conflicts or biases. I serve on the Waterville Planning Board.

Also, I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist, and a round thing in your face … No wait, that’s Sir Mix-a-Lot.

But. I have written publicly about wanting a bigger bottom. Alas, despite my efforts, my backside remains pathetically petite. So, yes. I have a soft spot for derrieres. (Wink, wink. See what I did there?)

Now, let’s clear up a few things. I take issue with any suggestion that this was Spider-Man. It was not. Spider-Man would have shot webs and swung from building to building. And if he weren’t near buildings, Spider-Man never would deign to ride a bike in his costume.

Second, why are men being singled out? Are men’s bottoms on bikes somehow more traumatizing than women’s? Do “fat-bottom girls really make the rocking world go round” and thus get a pass on bottom ordinances? Surely, we must maintain road safety for everyone regardless of gender. Let’s apply the standard evenly to men and women alike.

Turning our attention to attire. I can appreciate the Native American “flap” (i.e., loincloth, or breechcloth) that the resident recommended. Although my paternal grandfather was half Mohawk, I don’t have any childhood memories of him sporting one. It seems to me loincloths varied from culture to culture — and while they always covered the genitals, they didn’t always cover the buttocks. Loincloths alone would result in real trauma not only to onlookers but to male cyclists, I’m sure. Perhaps the resident intended for men to wear loincloths backward over pants? This could work. Unless they hang over the seat of the bike. In that case, they could get caught on the tire posing a danger not only to the cyclist but also to vehicles.

An alternative could be seatbacks, so wiggling rumps aren’t visible at all. We’d want to apply this to motorcyclists as well. They have bottoms too; no one needs to see them. Or is it the motion of pedaling that draws attention to the bum? If we motorize bicycles and add seatbacks, that should fix it, right?

Although … legs will still be exposed.

Yes, we must consider that while some are traumatized by bustling buttocks, others will be distracted by lengthy legs, especially in Spandex pants. I know, I know. They’re often padded, prevent chafing, don’t catch in spokes, and also help with aerodynamics. Though who rides bikes to go fast? (Case in point, the Trek Across Maine — happening this weekend — takes three days.) But if Lycra legs electrify onlookers, perhaps bikes need some external covering on the sides so cyclists’ legs, maybe even their torsos, are concealed.

Yes, if we motorize bikes, and add seatbacks and external coverings to the sides, buttocks and bodies will be shielded. The extra weight might require additional structures to balance and support these changes. But in the end, it will be worth it. Vehicle operators will no longer fear heart palpitations or visits to their therapists every time they encounter a velocipede.

And bikes, well bikes will resemble something more like… hmm. Cars?

Alternatively, maybe we acknowledge policing bottoms on bikes won’t make anyone safer on the road. Not to mention municipal planning boards may have jurisdictions over the backsides of buildings but not the backsides of people.

Admittedly, few of us can truly pull off Spandex. Nevertheless, we should refrain from using taxpayer dollars for such inane discussions. Instead, let’s count our blessings for every day that any of us can still push the pedals of a bike up a hill. Including Spider-Man.

 

 

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