Dear readers, I apologize for sending in this column after Christmas has gone. It’s late, I know, and my editors are telling me to get over it.

Okay, this is my problem. Even their kids are bored with my story and they say I should grow up and settle for the story of the “one” Santa. Really? No way!

Didn’t they see the crowds of Santa Clauses with their big bells and tin baskets in the streets and holding court in the department store chairs? I’ve pulled their beards, and they’re all real.

Do you all really believe that there’s only ONE Santa coming down all the world’s chimneys, even in Sri Lanka where there are NO chimneys? C’mon.

I’ve interviewed 17 of these Santas, and they all sat me on their laps (I’ve lost weight), and I know you think they’re just humoring me.

They did change their “Santa’s Helper,” the little gnomes who run around Santa handing out early gifts. I remember my sad experience with the helpers. At 6, I was unusually cute, with long, black hair and very long eyelashes. The result was the helpers thought I was a girl and they gave me a tea set.

Anyway, this year a new memo arrived: “We are under the guidance of the very strict Mother Claus and the three senior Santas (you know how strict and stern mothers can be), who each year send out millions of robot Santas to kids, but just three of them are assigned to deliver “special” gifts to special folks in spots around the world.”

Here in this picture are those special Santas.

There is Sam Claus in his gold and ermine robe and slippers, who has been chosen to deliver his gifts to those fathers who, under the influence of special eggnog, either blocked their fireplaces or happily started roaring fires to warm old Santa upon his arrival. Not a good idea.

Herman Claus is assigned to deliver his “special” gift to the Maine weather department, who warmed up the temperature a few notches this year and softened the ice in Maine’s many famous lakes where the weary reindeer liked to rest. The result was startling. The entire weather department will receive 600 boxes of wet reindeer horns.

Jeremiah Claus got a special order from Maine’s Sen. Susan Collins, to be delivered to Maine’s famous L.L.Bean ornament department.

And to those fathers who filled the famous chimneys with blazing logs?

Ten boxes of (let me see if I can pronounce these) anthracite, bituminous and sub-bituminous coal. YEAAA!

Okay, that’s the truth … live with it. Wait a minute, all my editors are calling again. No, it’s the last one, I swear!

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.