Dear Harlan,

Is it immature of me to unfriend an ex on Facebook? We said we’d be friends, and I know that a lot of couples who break up say that to each other, but I don’t know if it’s something that could ever work. The breakup didn’t happen because of anything terrible either of us did. We both just had different views on life and couldn’t figure out a way to work it out. I still love him, but if he doesn’t feel the same way, I have to accept that. So I’m really trying to get over it, and I feel like unfriending him would be one more step to deleting his existence. What do you think? I don’t want to be mean or immature.

Unfriendly

Dear Unfriendly

It’s not mean or immature. It’s actually kind and mature. You are being kind to yourself because it will help you move on. And that’s mature. Removing him from your Facebook will mean no longer getting that feeling in the pit of your stomach every time you see a status update from him pop up. It will mean spending less time checking up on his relationships, looking through his pictures, and scrolling through the messages on his wall from random girls. It will mean being less tempted to spend energy on a man who doesn’t deserve your time. If you think removing your ex as a friend is the healthiest way for you to be kind to yourself, then do it. Also understand that you can always hide his status and restrict his access to you without unfriending him. But I wouldn’t worry about being mean or immature. I also wouldn’t worry about explaining yourself to him. Be kind to you and do whatever helps you move on and be balanced.

Dear Harlan,

How long after starting to date someone is it appropriate to talk about defining the relationship? I want to understand if we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I want to bring up being exclusive. But I don’t want to rush it or make my potential boyfriend feel like I’m too needy of a relationship. What is a good timeframe?

Committing

Dear Committing,

Following a first date is way too soon (unless you’ve slept together). The bigger question is, why you need to define the relationship? I’m not questioning that you want to define it. But your fear of feeling needy or that you’re rushing it makes me think you’re needy or rushing it. All that matters is that you understand why you want to define the relationship and what you the definition to be. He might ask. If it’s because you want to be in a committed relationship in order to open up emotionally or physically, that’s a powerful reason. If it’s because you want to be Facebook official, that’s not. Once you know why you want to define the relationship and can explain it, bring it up. He might surprise you and say, “I was thinking the same thing.” Or he might surprise you with, “I’m not looking for a girlfriend — gotta go.” If he backs away and doesn’t seem ready to commit, don’t second-guess yourself for bringing it up. If you’re going to be intimate with a guy, you should know how he defines the relationship. You should also be prepared to get screened for STDs. And if he breaks up with you because you want to define the relationship, it wasn’t much of a relationship.

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at [email protected] or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.