Woe is me, stuck at my desk in July and August, bum in chair, eyes fixed (glumly) on the screen, nose to the grindstone. Am I the only Mainer resentful of vacationers, retirees, teachers and even innocent, frolicking schoolchildren?

Even if it hasn’t felt like it much so far this year as I write this (cue the rain), it is, in fact, summer in Vacationland. Many of my colleagues are on holiday, but the paper still needs to go out every day. At home, houseguests roll in like waves to the shore, meaning sheets to wash, toilets to scrub and activities to plan. I swear the weeds in the garden grow a foot whenever I look away.

Wait! I have an idea! I know how I can free up some precious time: ChatGPT.

I will ask the artificial intelligence model to write a few food articles for me and whip up a few recipes. While I cannot endorse the spreading of fake news, the destruction of democracy and the overthrow of the human race – all ominous specters raised by ChatGPT, according to the experts – go ahead, AI, take my job for the summer.

Meanwhile, you’ll find me at the beach.

STEP 1

Ask the Press Herald’s summer interns for help. Right, they are here to learn from us, but c’mon, a computer question? We all know who is teaching whom. They had me set up with a ChatGPT account in under a minute. (Thank you, Vaughn Vial, Megh Bindra and Janet Briggs.)

If I thought that was fast, I was dazzled by the speed of ChatGPT. I’d barely finish typing out my “prompts” before it spit back extensive and coolly confident answers – even when it got them wrong. My conversation with the interns as they helped me make requests of ChatGPT was punctuated heavily with “OMG!” “That’s insane!” Wow! “So cool!” “That is amaaazing!”

I asked the chatbot for recipes that well-known Mainers might cook. I asked it for restaurant reviews “in the style of …” I asked it to create new flavors of Gifford’s ice cream and Stonewall Kitchen jam.

I instructed it to write Portland restaurant Chaval’s chef/proprietor, Damien Sansonetti, into a Star Wars movie; he’s a fan. Chef, isn’t it time for a new opportunity? I got you a gig cooking for Hans Solo and his group of “rogue-ish smugglers.” You’re welcome.

And I asked it to give me the opening scene of a biopic about Fore Street founding chef Sam Hayward. And by the way, who would play him? Yeah, don’t look for “Culinary Maestro” in theaters anytime soon.

I instructed the model to update traditional New England Indian pudding, and to develop a recipe for salmon pea wiggle that could be served at a fancy restaurant in Portland. After adding shallots, garlic and Parmesan cheese to the basic wiggle white sauce, and swapping the usual canned salmon for fresh fillets, canned peas for fresh in the pod, and canned evaporated milk for heavy cream, the recipe delivered this advice:

“Note: Salmon Pea Wiggle is a classic comfort food dish, and while it may not be as common on fancy restaurant menus, you can adapt it to fit the desired level of elegance by focusing on presentation and using high-quality ingredients.”

When I requested a recipe for whoopie pies written by an angry person, ChatGPT let its imagination run wild. At least, it seemed that way. The ingredients list called for “1 teaspoon vanilla extract (another drop of false hope)” and “1 cup marshmallow fluff (a gooey mess, just like everything else).”

BUT IS IT ANY GOOD?

Speaking of sweet, gooey messes, I’m pleased to say that ChatGPT is no Laurie Colwin (writer and beloved Gourmet magazine food columnist), no Anthony Bourdain, no first-ever-food-writer-to-win-a-Pulitzer Jonathan Gold. (Yet.) In my test runs, its writing fell squarely between bland, generic and painfully cliched. Often, it sounded like bad ad copy. Here’s how it described, in part and in just seconds, Blissberry Breeze, its newly created flavor for a Stonewall Kitchen jam:

“Taste the harmony of flavors and experience the sheer joy of Blissberry Breeze – the perfect blend of blueberries, raspberries, and lavender that will transport your taste buds to a state of pure bliss! Spread it generously on warm buttered toast for a heavenly breakfast treat, drizzle it over pancakes or waffles for an extra burst of flavor, or use it as a filling for pastries and desserts to create a gourmet culinary masterpiece.”

I read the passage to Colby Assistant Statistics Professor Jerzy Wieczorek, who has researched ChatGPT and teaches classes on AI from a statistician’s perspective.

“There is a lot of very generic writing out there, and yeah, in some ways it’s easier to generate writing that is so generic than compelling writing with a more individual voice,” Wieczorek said. He gave me a basic description of how AI works.

“They start with a whole bunch of data and try to teach the computer to detect certain things. Is this a recipe or not? Is this food writing or not?” he explained. “It will look for the most generic things it can to distinguish these things from each other. My understanding is the more you want it to hang together, for the pieces to lock well together, that’s a lot easier if they are pretty generic pieces.”

Ah well, who’s to say what good writing is anyway, I commented philosophically.

“All it knows is there a lot of writing like that,” Wieczorek replied. “If it wants to mimic human writing, it’s going to mimic the majority.”

Beyond questions of style, ChatGPT made mistakes, or, more generously, was highly inventive. I asked it to build an ice cream sundae that “exemplifies Maine.” To a base of wild blueberry ice cream, it suggested a drizzle of maple syrup and a swirl of sea salt caramel, the latter “to capture the essence of Maine’s coastal vibe.”

Its “Lobster Tail Waffle Cone” struck me as genius – although, come to think of it, do sundaes even come with cones? “The unique cone design pays homage to the famous Maine lobster, creating a playful and eye-catching element,” ChatGPT wrote.

Wieczorek liked the crustacean-shaped cone, too.

“Maybe the lobster tail was a happy accident (or) maybe a shop really does sell Maine lobster tail cones, which I’d love to find,” he said. “It sounds delicious. Or maybe something else – like a furniture shop where the legs are lobster shaped or random knickknacks, lobster-shaped baseball bats, lobster-shaped tables. It might have decided, clearly something from Maine has to be lobster-shaped.”

Anyway, so far, so good. But things went south (specifically to Texas or Georgia) with the buttered pecans. “Maine is also known for its delicious pecans, often used in traditional recipes,” ChatGPT stated, wrongly, with blithe assurance.

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